


"Wild Senshi" [Lemon MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Ranma 1/2, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: F/M, MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:32:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: When Yu-Gi-Oh attacks, who'ya gonna call? Well, for pete's sake, don't call Pimp Master Ranma cause when he's not showing off his wardrobe or wailing horrible sing-song ditties, he's 'powering booing' up his magical hos...err... Sailor Senshi and dining on jewels. And speaking of jewels...





	1. Chapter 1

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 43: WILD SENSHI PT. 1

(A Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh! Lemon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be  
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.  
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just  
covering our collective asses here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"Yu-Gi-Oh!" is the property of Kazuki Takahashi and all the  
distributors of his work.

"Wild Senshi" is the property of Greg Daniels. He has given us  
permission to MST his work and we greatly appreciate it. :)

Warning: This fic contains mature content and sexual content. If  
you are offended by such material or are too young to legally view  
it, please avoid it or delete it from your hard drive if you've already  
downloaded it. Otherwise, enjoy! 

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Joel Robinson was relaxing on his bed in his room, reading a  
copy of 'Ghost Town' by Robert Coover, when there was a knock  
at the door.

"Who is it?" he called out only to get no reply. "Come!" he  
tried again to no avail. Sighing, Joel snapped the book shut on his  
index finger to save the page as he got off the bed, walked  
over to the door, opened it...

...and found himself face to face with Joel Robinson.

"What the...!?" was all Joel managed to get out before he was  
rudely shoved backwards onto his butt, his book falling from his  
hand. He stared up in shock at his doppelganger, dressed in a black  
jumpsuit and sporting a big wide grin. A pair of black leather  
gloves roughly grabbed Joel by the collar and slowly hoisted him  
to his feet.

"As you can see, no smoke, no mirrors." The double sneered  
before shoving Joel against the nearest wall.

"W-Who are you?" Joel stammered.

"Just call me Evil. Soon everyone will." Evil Joel smiled and  
cocked a fist. With the advance warning, Joel dodged right as the  
errant fist smashed the bulkhead. Evil Joel howled in pain. The  
brief pause was enough for Joel to duck around his fist and he  
escaped to the bridge.

"Guys! Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this but I just met  
my... self?"

"Old news, Joel," Crow T. Robot replied as he stood behind  
the counter with another robot that mirrored his design, save for  
his black color.

"T-Timmy?!?" Joel gasped.

"Nope, already made that mistake," Crow replied before  
gesturing at his copy. "Joel, this is Crow B. Robot. Apparently  
he's from an alternate universe. Crow B., this is, uh, Good and  
Considerably Less Psychotic Joel Robinson."

"Embalmed," Crow B. muttered.

"Alternate universe? But he doesn't even..." Joel began.

"Have a beard? Yeah, I've tried gluing one on for show but  
the darn thing fell off more times than Servo's head," Crow B.  
interrupted.

"Speaking of Servo, here he... er... *they* come now..." Crow  
said as Tom Servo and an identical Servo painted blue flew over the  
counter, rapidly flying around each other in circles.

"Found any openings yet, Tom?" Crow B. yelled out.

"Not yet, gotta keep circling. I think I'm wearing him down  
though!" both Tom Servos replied simultaneously.

Joel shook his head. "This is too weird... where did you come  
from anyway?"

"Well, Joel... that is... our Joel, tried to show us some cheap  
parlor trick called 'Ion Storm in China' and... ehh, I'll let him  
explain it to you," Crow B. replied as Joel whirled around just in  
time to prevent the business end of a mop from being shoved in his  
face.

Joel's Gizmonic janitorial experience allowed him to identify  
many of the compounds currently assaulting his senses. With the way  
Evil Joel handled the mop though, Joel silently prayed the emergency  
eye wash was fine and hadn't been used as a robot bidet anytime in  
the recent past.

"Ha! Not so tough without your walls, huh? Now I'm gonna mop  
the face with your... floor. Then I'm gonna spit on you!" Evil Joel  
growled as he and Joel struggled.

"Not so different from you or me, huh?" Crow quipped.

"Five hundred quatloos on the newcomer!" Magic Voice abruptly  
chimed in. 

"Little... help here... please!!" Joel gasped as Evil Joel  
forced him back a step.

Crow turned to Crow B. "You mind if I help my dad beat up your  
dad?"

"Nah, I got no love for him, platonic or otherwise. Go for the  
soft underbelly... or just distract him with some trinket," Crow B.  
blandly offered.

"Trinket, huh?" Crow rummaged behind the counter for a few  
moments before pulling out a empty Coke bottle. "Sayyy... look at  
the pretty Coke bottle! Would ya like to drop this on an  
unsuspecting bushman? Huh? Would ya?"

"JUST... hit him with it already!" Joel grunted like William  
Shatner as the toxic fumes from the mop threatened to overwhelm  
him.

"Yeah! Give him a Coke and a smile for me!" Crow B. cheered  
as Crow shrugged and tossed the bottle up in the air to clock Evil  
Joel on the head. Seeing his opponent dazed, Joel took the  
opportunity to stick the mop under his evil twin's knee and trip him  
up. One bonk to the head, and an unconscious Evil Joel lay on  
the floor in a heap.

"Attaboy, Joel! Way to kick your ass!" Crow exclaimed.

"Uh, thanks," Joel replied as he gave an annoyed glance up at  
the two Servos still circling. "Can you guys give it a rest,  
already?"

"At least butt heads or something!" Crow B. suggested.

The Servos abruptly stopped circling at the suggestion and  
slowly backed away from each other before activating full  
afterburners.

"Tom, NO!" Joel cried out before shielding his eyes from the  
explosion. When he risked opening them again, both Servos were  
on the ground with cracked bubbleheads, moaning in pain. 

"Well, Servos, it's official. You're idiots," Crow muttered  
to the fallen bots before turning his attention back to his double.  
"Well, it's down to you, my fellow Crow. Shall we declare a thumb  
war? Kill each other with a ball? Breathe fire and attempt to flip  
each other over in a trap filled arena to give cheap amusement to  
RC nerds the world over?"

Crow B. shook his head. "Nah, I prefer belittling to beating.  
So I guess we're your prisoners now. I expect delivery of  
decades-old field rations in my cell promptly and I'll tell you  
right now that Joel is the weak link and the most likely to talk  
through extensive torture..."

Joel winced. "Hey, no, we're not going to imprison or torture  
anybody. Can't we just send you back to your own universe? Maybe  
I can try duplicating the invention that..."

"I lost it all... every quatloo! Now I'll have to hock the  
jewel encrusted voice spray Cambot bought for our anniversary!"  
Magic Voice interrupted, sobbing.

"Who the HELL is that anyway?" Crow B. asked, irritated.

"Oh, that's just Magic Voice... you don't have one in your  
universe?" Crow inquired.

"Magic... Voice? You're kidding me, right?" Crow B. snickered.

"Maybe THIS will convince you!" Magic Voice snapped as Crow B.  
Robot, the blue Servo and the unconscious body of Evil Joel suddenly  
disappeared from the Satellite, complete with accompanying Star Trek  
sound effect.

"H-How did you do that!?" an astonished Joel exclaimed.

"What? You thought my MAGIC was limited to mere human  
speech and commercial sign? I'm more than just another pretty plot  
contrivance!" Magic Voice snapped before resuming her brooding  
over her lost gift.

Joel could only blink in surprise before someone tapped on his  
arm. "Sorry to interrupt, Joel, but Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie  
are calling..." Crow said as he pointed at the flashing red light.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Bah! Those fools DARE consider themselves evil? I'm the one  
that gives evil a bad name! I mean... you know what I mean!" Dr.  
Forrester growled. "Still... I must say it WAS interesting to see the  
eventual outcome of my experiments on your psyche." 

"What do you mean?" Joel interrupted.

"Think about it, Joel. Obviously the Joel Robinson from THAT  
universe was mentally unbalanced, which means the Dr. Forrester from  
THAT universe must have succeeded in breaking his will! It stands to  
reason then that MY experiments will also yield success eventually.  
So, in a sense, you just had a brush with your own future." Dr.  
Forrester replied with a cold smile.

Joel paled considerably while Tom retorted. "Or maybe THAT  
universe was a MIRROR universe and the future there will be the  
exact opposite of what will happen here! You ever think of THAT,  
Dr. Smuggles?"

Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Drink deeply of your future, Joel  
Robinson, and pray your robot is right... but you never know, THIS  
may be the 'fic that breaks you! Before that happens though, let's  
see the fruits of your warped little mind." Dr. F cackled.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Joel's concerns fluttered but he put them aside as he  
concentrated on the task at hand. Reaching behind the counter, he  
pulled out a ratty pair of bedroom slippers and a cannibalized  
handheld game with a telephone cord attached to the end of it.

"OK, sirs, this invention is for people that are sick of the  
whole shoe racket and just want to be comfortable but don't  
wanna be snubbed for their shabby sense of shoe style." Joel  
lifted one of the slippers to reveal a tiny port clipped onto the  
heel as he plugged the end of the telephone cord into it and  
placed the slipper back down on the counter. "Let's try... #27,"  
Joel said.

The air around the slippers seemed to shimmer for a moment  
before they were abruptly replaced by a pair of pointy-toed shoes  
any witch would be proud to sport. Joel grimaced as he punched  
in another number and the shoes morphed again into a black pair of  
'Sunday Best' dress shoes.

"As you can see, the hologram surrounds your favorite pair of  
shoes, making them *appear* to be fashionable and stiffer than a  
maitre d's smile. Meanwhile, your feet are snug as a bug in a rug  
and no one's the wiser! I call them 'Virtually Shoes'!"

"So forget Dr. Scholl and trust Dr. Joel. Please don't delay,  
try 'Virtually Shoes' today," Tom and Crow recited together.

"Uh, nice read, guys. What do you think, sirs?" Joel looked  
anxiously into the camera.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Well now, with something like that, I can't imagine how you  
failed to make the cut for 'American Inventor'... oh, that's right,  
you're trapped up in space! BWAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester  
giggled as TV's Frank carried in a rather grotesque looking neck  
brace, covered in various pressure dials, indicators, and exhaust  
ports. Frank placed the brace down on a nearby card table set  
up for the occasion.

"I've been dreaming up this little darling for some time now.  
It provides false hope and promise to the ultimate beauty dilemma!"  
Dr. Forrester began.

"Long, dark, buttcrack hair?" Frank guessed.

"What? NO! I'm talking about old person neck!" Dr. Forrester  
snapped.

"Ah, the turtle club. Old they remain." Frank nodded.  
"But I thought you swore an oath to do harm, period?"

"Wait for it..." Dr. Forrester replied before continuing.  
"No longer will you have to endure agonizing face pulls  
only to have a deflated beach ball forever nestled between your  
shoulders. One session with the 'Neckraiser' and wrinkles will be  
the least of your problems! Give 'em a personal demonstration,  
Frank!"

"Hey, no way! I don't have old person neck!" Frank replied,  
indignant.

"You'll have a broken neck in a minute if you don't put the  
brace on!" Dr. Forrester growled.

"Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? HEY!" Frank  
yelped as a fed up Dr. Forrester grabbed the 'Neckraiser' and  
forcibly snapped it in place around Frank's neck. A moment  
later, high pressure steam spewed forth from the exhaust ports  
as Dr. Forrester adjusted the controls while checking the gauges.

"Excellent, it's functioning perfectly! You can remove the  
brace now, Frank," Dr. Forrester informed him with a smile.

"WHOA... THAT WAS WEIRD... HEY, WHAT HAPPENED  
TO MY VOICE!?" Frank bellowed in a Basso profundo as  
he ripped the 'Neckraiser' off and tried to clear his throat. Dr.  
Forrester then placed his hand against Frank's neck and rubbed the  
skin. 

"Ah, dolphin smooth," He quipped before removing his hand.  
"But not for long..."

"DAMN!" Frank exclaimed as within the span of two seconds,  
thick hair spouted from his neck like a Chia Pet commercial until it  
resembled a lion's mane.

"Yes, sadly the hair and voice change are a necessary side  
effect of the 'Neckraiser'. Now Susan Lucci can shave with the rest  
of us guys!" Dr. Forrester giggled. "Just imagine a nation of  
shallow MILFs with five o'clock shadows that sound like Barry White!  
I'd say that's plenty evil wouldn't you, Frank?"

"YEAH, AND PLENTY ITCHY TOO!" Frank growled  
as he frantically scratched his neck. "BUT HOW DO I GET MY VOICE  
BACK TO NORMAL?"

"Oh, normality is overrated! Just go with the flow and enjoy  
singing 'Chocolate Salty Balls' without sounding like Frankie  
Muniz." Dr. Forrester chuckled as he grabbed a nearby fanfic off  
the top of a filing cabinet before addressing the viewscreen.

"And speaking of itchy burning sensations... your experiment  
this week, Joel, is brought to you by the number three. It features  
three universes engaging in a messy threesome, three villains of the  
week, three repetitive songs, three minute lemon scenes, and a man  
with three... heh heh, mustn't spoil all the fun now."

'Wild Senshi', I think I love you. But I wanna know for sure..."  
Dr. Forrester sang as the viewscreen winked off.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

"Is it just me or is Dr. F more overconfident than usual today?"  
Crow noted.

"Must be the pretzels. Ah, thanks for the new head, Joel."  
Tom said as he spun his neck around a few times. "Hey, get me!  
I'm Linda Blair! Hrrrrugh..."

"Don't even think about it," Joel sternly warned as alarms  
wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHH, WE'VE GOT  
FANFIC SIGN!!"

 

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything,  
it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for  
you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch  
as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you  
step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for  
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it  
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches  
out of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the  
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater  
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>Scene: A fight in Juban  
>  
>A young man was fighting something that looked like a harpy. "Come  
>on, bitch!" he said. The young man was in all black. He wore a  
>muscle shirt, slacks, fighting gloves, boots and a trench coat.

Joel: Slacks? You just betrayed your age, author.

Tom: Dockers. For the sensible fit when you're beating someone  
senseless.

 

>`Hi, I'm Ranma Saotome.'

Crow: [Harpy] And I'm Harpy the Horrible. And we're here to teach  
you about your body!

 

>The harpy started to take off, "Oh no you don't! Venus!" Ranma said  
>as his hands glowed orange. "Love me chain encircle!" A chain of  
>orange hearts wrapped around its ankle it lifted off with him.

Tom: [Venus] Outsourcing my powers is almost as profitable as renting  
out my clothes!

 

>`I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm the leader of the  
>Sailor Senshi.'

Joel: [Ranma] My straw was the shortest.

 

>He started to climb up to the harpy and got on her back. "Mercury!"  
>the martial artist said as his hands started to glow ice blue and  
>he formed blocks of ice around them. "Multi arctic punch!" screamed  
>the youth as he rained down punches on the harpy's body.

Joel: Watch out, Ranma! The wings are icing! She's gonna crash!!

Crow: He should've jammed his ice hands down the harpy's back,  
just as effective.

 

>`I know what you're thinking, *how can a guy lead an all-girl team?*  
>Well, I'll tell you.'

Tom: An unlimited supply of chocolate and Gundam Wing tapes?

Joel: Repeated assurances of being a talent agent for William Morris  
Agency?

Crow: If one of the Scouts starts singing "Shine shine... shine my  
love", I'm so outta here.

 

>The harpy started to fall so it was time to finish her off. He got  
>off of her; flip kicked her down on to a roof of a building. Then  
>he rained down blasts on her, "Multi roaring lion's bullet!"

Tom: The cosplayer never knew what hit her.

Joel: [Harpy, timid] A-All this because I ripped the tag off  
a pillow?

 

>After the harpy was turned to dust, the Senshi came running over to  
>congratulate him. "Nice going Silver!" said Moon, and he made a  
>face.  
>  
>"You know I hate that name!" Ranma said with a grimace on his face.  
>  
>`It all started one day.'

Crow: What, is Daniel Stern providing the voice-over here?

Joel: God was fumbling for the light switch and accidentally  
created the universe.

 

>Prologue: The ten million dollar teste.

Crow: Oh, it's the *Cockman* diamond!

 

>Scene: Saotome Manor  
>  
>It had been ten and a half months since the manor was rebuilt and  
>Ranma was helping his mother move her things back in. "Well, that's  
>the last box," he said while setting it down.

Tom: That's the box with Adam West inside, right?

Crow: [Adam West] Hush, citizen... you mustn't disturb the Styrofoam  
citizens of Carton City.

 

>"Thank you dear. Why don't you stay with me this weekend?" Nodoka  
>asked. Therefore he agreed and called Kasumi about what was going  
>on.

Tom: [Ranma] Just give it to me straight... are Akane and the mallet  
happy?

Crow: [Kasumi] I'll say, they've been hammering each other all night!

 

>Nodoka went into her purse and pulls out some money. "Here, why  
>don't you go and get some lunch?" she asked him while handing the  
>money to him. Leaving the house, he went to get some lunch at a  
>local restaurant. Not knowing what fate has in store for him this  
>time.

Joel: Ranma prefers to think outside the bun.

Crow: [Ranma] Can I have a little hot sauce with my fate, please?

 

>Scene: Yoma Park

Tom: Ah, that must be where the senshi go to level up.

Crow: So nice of the city to give land to evil monsters... but what  
about the Indians, dammit!

 

>The Sailor Senshi were fighting a group of monsters using teamwork  
>like they should. One of the monsters decided to find a weakness in  
>the team. Therefore the yoma decided to rip off Sailor Moon's  
>eternal broach. "Oh no you don't!" exclaimed Uranus as she kicked  
>it out of the yoma's hand.

Joel: The broach may be eternal but the clasp is dollar store.

 

>It flew across the street to a restaurant with a patio; it landed  
>into a bowl of ramen. A young man came back out and sat down at the  
>table that had the ramen on it. The young man ate the ramen without  
>noticing the broach, eating the broach and all. 

Tom: [Ranma] Let's see... the ramen was exceedingly crunchy and  
tasted like a woman's bosom but the service was quite good!

 

>He then looked over at the battle and sighed as a yoma was about to  
>attack him.

Crow: [Ranma] ALWAYS before I get to my jello!

Joel: You'd figure he'd think twice after what Ranma did to that mime.

 

>Scene: Restaurant  
>  
>Ranma had just returned from the restroom, getting some hot water to  
>change back. He sat down and finished up his ramen lunch. As he  
>swallowed, he looked over and saw a yoma running over to him.

Crow: [Yoma] Help me, help me! Those girls are viciously defending  
themselves against me!

 

>Scene: With the Senshi.  
>  
>"We got to get the broach back!" proclaimed Mars, while Mercury was  
>searching for it. She found it and they started to head over to  
>where the broach was and the yoma followed trying to stop them. That  
>was when they saw the young man finish the bowl of ramen and the  
>yoma started its attack.

Tom: The narrative is doubling back on itself! It can't sustain this  
runaway reaction! Every man and bot for themselves!!

 

>Ranma finished his lunch and paid for it but when he stood up he saw  
>a yoma making its attack. 

Crow: [Ranma] Heh, that's really funny, Mr. Cleese... now GET ON  
WITH IT!!!

 

>He smirked, "Well I guess I should work off this food. Come on!" the  
>martial artist said with confidence in his voice. As the yoma  
>attacked, Ranma fought back in self defense, and then started to  
>treat the yoma like a tennis ball.

Tom: [Ranma] I can put you in my spokes, and then I'll play fetch  
with Ukyou!

 

>Beating the living daylights out of the creature and barely breaking  
>a sweat. He then slammed it against a wall and started to fire ki  
>blasts against it and the last one turned it into dust.

Joel: A temper tantrum worthy of John McEnroe.

Tom: [Ranma] Why don't you grow some hair?!?

 

>Ranma was a little miffed over the whole ordeal, "I tell you… Can't  
>even eat lunch in peace," the youth said, just as he looked over  
>and saw the Senshi. The young man was stunned from the sight,  
>"Whoa…" was all he could say. 

Crow: [Ranma] Oooh, the Powerpuff Girls! Sign my shirt!

 

>It seemed the one in ice blue was looking at him through a visor  
>and was shocked. She then walked over to him, "Excuse me, but  
>would you mind helping us for a minute?" Mercury asked politely.  
>  
>"I'll do what I can. What do you need?" he replied as Mercury led  
>him to their leader. The pony tailed blond was pale and was in  
>nothing but ribbons. She was also breathing hard.

Joel: [Ranma as Glen Quagmire] Dear Diary... Jackpot.

Crow: [Usagi] Heh heh... wardrobe malfunction... can I borrow your  
shirt?

 

>"I'm looking at you right now and you have the eternal broach in  
>your system." Mercury informed the young man. Ranma himself was a  
>little confused. "Eternal broach? What's that?" he queried.

Tom: [Mercury] It leads to massive internal bleeding and can trip  
seizures in people who watch Pokemon. Don't worry, I'll do your  
autopsy. And I'll be gentle.

 

>Mercury then showed him on her computer what she was talking about.  
>However, not being too familiar with computers, he just sweat  
>dropped and blinked a bit.

Joel: [Ranma] Where's the paddle controllers?

 

>"Whoa, how'd the hell did that get into my system?" Ranma asked  
>irritatedly not liking that he had some freaky magical item inside  
>of him at the moment.

Tom: [Ranma] Dammit, first the Lucky Charms and now this!

 

>"We don't know and what's surprising is I can't find the crystal,"  
>she explained.  
>  
>The others were shocked and looked at the brainy Senshi. "Can't find  
>the crystal?" they all asked.

Crow: Can they at least find a Gelfling?

 

>Ranma was confused, "Crystal?" Mercury showed him a part of the  
>broach that was missing. "I see, look I said that I would help and I  
>will," he said, "Just tell what I have to do."  
>  
>Therefore Mercury explained that he had to use his life energy and  
>connect it to the broach.

Joel: Who knew that eating ramen would be such a commitment?

 

>After he got that she then told him to place his hand where the  
>ribbons were all connected to on Sailor Moon's chest. Finally she  
>explained to him to concentrate and will the broach back to where  
>it was supposed to be.

Crow: [Mercury] Focus on her crystal, Ranma! Come on, just will  
the broach to her naked heaving bosom already!!

Tom: Meanwhile, the police hover nearby... not knowing if the  
weirdly-dressed girls will summon more monsters, if the naked girl  
will finally get dressed, or if the donuts across the street are  
half-stale from sitting out all morning...

 

>Doing as he was told, Ranma willed the broach back onto Sailor Moon  
>and therefore caused her to transform back into her senshi uniform.  
>Albeit that she was now a bit weak and feeling light headed with the  
>sudden loss of the Ginzuisho.

Crow: Finished action sequence with major repercussions or another  
Saturday night with Mamoru buying the booze? You be the judge!

 

>`How did that happen?' thought the others, while unknown to them,  
>Ranma's subconscious gave Sailor Moon enough power to stay in her  
>eternal form until she and the senshi were able to get away from the  
>public eye and transform back into their street clothing.

Tom: I hope Ranma's subconscious added the time it'd take for Usagi  
to catch a bus AND fumble for the fare in her ribbons.

 

>The senshi of the Moon had finally started to come around, once her  
>eyes opened she saw Ranma looking down at her.  
>  
>"Are you alright?" he asked in a concerned tone of voice. Usagi  
>couldn't believe it, it was one of the premier martial artists that  
>she had read about in the Nerima weekly. Copy writed by Nabiki  
>Tendo.

Joel: Published under license from Backstory Press and Exposition  
Publications, Inc.

Tom: This month in Kuno's Korner: "Silence, Whelp! And 15 Other  
Phrases to Begin Honorable Duels."

 

>Not trusting her voice, she gently nodded; he smiled and helped her  
>up. "Well I better go," he said as he gave a two-finger salute and  
>left.

All: (singing) Little Rabbit Foo Foo, hoppin' through the forest...

 

>Everyone of the Senshi started talking as soon as Ranma had left.  
>"That was him!" exclaimed Venus, "That was Ranma Saotome!"  
>  
>"Yeah, it sure was," said Jupiter dreamily, thinking he looked like  
>her old sempai, scratch that better than her old sempai.

Crow: [Jupiter] How's my breath? How's my hair? Ooh, I hope he  
doesn't notice my Great Red Spot!

 

>However, it was then Mercury got a reading on the crystal and she  
>spoke up. "What's really amazing is that he has the crystal still  
>in him," Mercury stated in a hushed tone of voice.  
>  
>The others looked over to her in shock. "THE CRYSTAL'S STILL IN  
>HIM!?!?" they all screamed.

Joel: Cue the dramatic close-up.

Tom: [Moon, stoic] Mercury, get me a fishing pole and a  
two-four... I'm angling to catch me a crystal!

 

>"We need to get it back and fast! There is no telling what will  
>happen with it gone, especially to Sailor Moon!" Mars said  
>heatedly. Knowing it was bad to leave the Ginzuisho inside Ranma.

Crow: This looks like a job for Dennis Quaid!

Tom: [Mars] One thing's for sure, I am NOT following Ranma around  
for the next three days to get it all back!

 

>Scene: Saotome Manor  
>  
>Ranma and Nodoka settled in and started talking about what had  
>happened during the day.

Tom: [Ranma] My, Mother, what a subpar tempura.

Joel: [Nodoka] Perhaps I can't make tempura but what I can cook up  
is a little grace and civility at the table.

 

>After their talk, he helped her with dinner. During dinner talked  
>about where he was thinking about going to college. "Aw mom… I  
>don't need school. I'm jus' gonna be a martial artist and teach the  
>art," he explained to his mother.

Joel: [Ranma] I was thinking that a Bob Ross perm would be the way  
to go. It's my own little universe, you know.

 

>"Son now listen here," she said to him in a tone that brook no  
>arguments, "you are going to college. Even the best martial artists  
>have a degree and know how to run their own school, keep their own  
>books and promote the art but also the use of one's mind," she  
>finished off.

Tom: National Lampoon's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Animal House.

Joel: This is going to end with Nodoka enrolling Ranma into a  
sorority, I can just feel it.

Crow: Worse, it'll be both of them. 'Bosom Buddies Redux'.

 

>"Besides I have a doctorate in Physical education."  
>  
>This left Ranma stunned at her revelation. 

Crow: [Nodoka] I know a hundred and one ways to motivate fat kids  
to climb the rope!

Joel: [Ranma] So THAT'S why I found all those ratty parachutes in  
our garage!

 

>Knowing she was right, he decided not to argue and sat there for a  
>few moments before speaking again. "Well… I was thinking about  
>going to Tokyo University…" he said hesitantly.  
>  
>"Ah, my old school," Nodoka said thinking about what it was like  
>going there.  
>  
>"You went to `Toky U'?" Ranma asked in surprise. She nodded and sat  
>silent while he digested all of this new information. Ranma was  
>impressed, "Wow..." he said in a hushed tone of voice.

Tom: [Nodoka] All I had to do was bring my wheelbarrow and  
various stationery products to the register, and they gave me a  
doctorate printed on the back of my receipt!

 

>"Ranma dear, you know that getting into Tokyo University will be  
>hard. You will need to bring your grades up in High school before  
>you can even get into Tokyo University. It is a very prestigious  
>college…" she said, hoping to get him to finally buckle down and  
>work on his grades.

Joel: [Ranma] Mom, I beat a frigging god, okay? Chopping up a frog  
just doesn't thrill me anymore.

Crow: This is truly the "Toky U" of fanfics.

 

>Nodding at the information, he smiled and got up with a yawn. "I  
>think I will go to bed, got an early day tomorrow with `ugh'  
>school…" he said with a shudder. Ranma made a vow to do better,  
>but he still didn't have to like it.

Tom: [Ranma] I suppose I should try to stop cheating on Akane too  
but I don't have to like it!

Crow: At this point I'm laying even odds that he goes to Ohtori  
Academy in the morning.

Joel: [Nodoka] Thank heaven, he bought the phony degree bullcrap!  
I'll have a doctor in the family yet!

 

>\---------------  
>  
>During the night, his body was surrounded by a light blue glow. Just  
>then something started to pull out of his body and it was the curse.  
>Ranma had a handful of them already; he wasn't so strong, tough, or  
>fast. That's why he had trained hard everyday.

Joel: Well, at least Ranma will be ready to take on Sho'nuff in the  
morning.

 

>Ranma had the Chinese curse of Spring of Drowned Girl, a curse  
>from his fathers side `May you lead an interesting life', the curse  
>of the Neko-ken, and finally the curse of servitude and utter  
>stupidity. All thanks to Genma Saotome, his panda of a father.  
>Now thanks to the magic of the Ginzuisho, they were finally  
>being removed. 

Tom: Sadly, it couldn't counteract the fortune cookie Ranma ate two  
days ago.

 

>Ranma's female form looked down on her previous vessel of  
>two years and wanted to say goodbye to him. However being unable to,  
>she just gave him a soft ghostly kissed on the lips and disappeared.

Crow: Farewell plot devices! We hardly knew ye!

Tom: (wistfully) If only our suspension of disbelief could give us a  
few kisses and disappear too.

 

>Then he started to get hit with all of these lights one of every  
>color of the Senshi. It was if each one of them were gently  
>caressing him and kissing him. That was when he had the dream.

Joel: [Ranma] One day this nation will rise up and live out the true  
meaning of its creed: Do you want fries with that?

 

>Scene: Ruins of the Moon palace.

Tom: Sailor Calypso's just rolling another spliff.

Crow: Oh, I'll pinch this story so hard if it turns out to be next  
door to "Saotome Manor".

 

>Ranma was standing in the middle of the ruins and started to look  
>around. He was dressed like a prince and was a little upset about  
>it. Therefore he changed his outfit to a muscle shirt, jeans and  
>hiking boots.

Joel: This fanfic's heading for a blacklisting by Blackwell.

Tom: I hadn't the slightest idea that Queen Serenity's stellar  
capital was in Parmistan.

 

>Just then he met up with a young woman, she was very beautiful. She  
>looked like an older Sailor Moon; she had long white hair and  
>crystal blue eyes. The woman was tall and was dressed in a painted  
>on white gown, also she had a crescent moon on her forehead.

Joel: [Ranma] I'll go fetch the turpentine. Rrrrowl.

Crow: The woman, mad at being dressed like a queen, quickly donned  
a muscle shirt, jeans, and hiking boots.

 

>Looking at her suspiciously, he spoke, "Who are you?" he asked the  
>woman.  
>  
>"I am Queen Serenity, Sailor Moon's mother," she stated calmly  
>and with a smile on her face. Sitting down, she patted the space  
>next to her, motioning Ranma to sit with her. "I am here to ask a  
>favor of you."

Tom: [Queen Serenity] If I stick my tongue far enough down your  
throat, I may recover something near and dear to my daughter.

 

>"What kind of favor? Every time someone asks me a favor it blows  
>up in my face…" he said irritably, while sitting down next to the  
>woman.

Crow: [Serenity, snapping fingers] Damn. I needed the release, too.

 

>"I want you to lead the Sailor Senshi. You see, my daughter was  
>never supposed to lead them," Serenity explained her request to  
>him.  
>  
>"I see and what do I get out of all of this?" Ranma asked as he  
>crossed his legs, "And even if I agree, just how am I going to do  
>that?"

Tom: (caption) GRATUITOUS BEAVER SHOT.

 

>"You've already have," she said 

Crow: [Ranma] I've already have? Have I?

Joel: [Serenity] Yes, you've have already have have.

 

>as she pulled out a huge diamond in between them both.

Tom: How else could three eon's salary be worth a lifetime together?

 

>"That's that crystal that the one Senshi in blue was looking for,"  
>he said trying to remember her name.  
>  
>"Mercury?" she queried. Ranma just nodded his response to her.  
>"This is the Silver Imperial Crystal; this will be the way you will  
>get your power. As a matter of fact, you ate it."

Crow: [Serenity] But it doesn't run without three C batteries. Here  
is a glass of water for ease in swallowing.

 

>"Excuse me, did you say…?" he started in shock.  
>  
>"Ate it? Yes I did, remember the ramen?" Serenity questioned him.  
>Ranma went back through the events of the day and remembered that  
>he had finished the ramen and it must have been in it.

Joel: [Ranma] And here I thought the chef was nice enough to throw  
in a few crunchberries for free.

 

>He sighed and nodded his head, "Alright… I will help but I don't  
>like free power ups, but still I don't know what I am getting out  
>of this." he said still being suspicious of the woman.

Crow: The selfless martial artist that helps those in need is  
obviously out of fashion.

Tom: [Ranma] Leading the Senshi don't pay the college tuition, toots!

 

>"Thank you Ranma, now as for what you will be getting… All of  
>your curses have been removed, and your body is being given what it  
>should have been given while growing up. All the proper nourishment  
>it should have had,

Tom: [Ranma] But... my girlish figure...!!

Joel: [Serenity] Don'tcha know that other kids are starving in Japan,  
so eat it!

 

>and also your hormones are being fixed as well.

Crow: [Serenity] I also fixed your crooked teeth, repaired your  
beat-up Mustang, and tuned your twanger. I'm gonna have to charge  
you for the braces though.

Tom: We'll be back with 'Pimp My Ranma' right after these messages.

 

>Did you know that you had a repressed sex drive due to your father?"  
>she explained and questioned him at the same time.  
>  
>"I knew it! That damned bastard! He did this to me, no wonder I  
>always felt embarrassed and could fight off any physical attraction  
>I had to any female I have met so far…" he ranted and raved a bit.

Joel: [Ranma] Now I'm vulnerable to every come hither in town!

Crow: [Ranma] Now I have to trade fight off for beat off.

 

>"Well now you know, just be careful. You might be stronger, faster  
>and more durable due to the magic fixing your body, but you aren't  
>invincible…" she explained.  
>  
>Ranma nodded as she left him to dream and sleep on everything  
>revealed to him thus far.

Tom: Mom, Uncle Beano, and the father in a cube were waiting once  
Ranma woke up to explain further.

Crow: [Ranma] That Serenity bitch! I can finally appreciate  
the Howard Stern experience but she took away my access to  
lesbianism! Dammit!!

 

>Scene: Usagi's bedroom  
>  
>Usagi was asleep peacefully and in her dream she had seen her  
>mother, Queen Serenity. "Princess Serenity," she called. Usagi  
>started to look around and found her mother.

Joel: [Usagi] She was behind the couch the whole time!

 

>"Mother, what is it?" the young girl asked as she went over to her.

Tom: It's a cheesy exposition by dream sequence. But that's not  
important right now.

 

>"My daughter, I have something to tell you," said the queen, "you  
>weren't suppose to be the leader of the Senshi." Usagi was shocked  
>beyond belief.

Crow: [Serenity] You see, Rei offered me a box of bonbons and a  
massage...

 

>"But, if I wasn't supposed to then who is?" the girl trembled and  
>asked softly. It was then she saw the picture of Ranma, and  
>immediately knew who he was.  
>  
>"He has agreed to take over for you and I will also give you a bond  
>with each other," the queen said, "It will be stronger than your  
>bond with Endymion."

Tom: [Serenity] Nextel phones! No matter how far away he is you  
can STILL nag him!

 

>"B… But Mamoru…" Usagi whimpered as she really did love him.  
>However, Serenity shook her head and sighed a bit.  
>  
>"No Usagi, he is unworthy of you or any woman, he constantly dumps  
>you and only takes you back when it is convenient. Ranma is much  
>better and will not do that to you.

Tom: Uh, I'd wait to see how he adjusts to his new-found hormones  
first, Your Highness.

Joel: So does that mean that if I swallow England's crown jewels  
I'll automatically become King?

 

>Do you understand dear daughter?" Nodding sadly, she accepted what  
>her mother told her, but she really still loved Mamoru. However she  
>could come to love Ranma if given enough time.

Crow: And enough foreplay.

 

>Scene: Ranma's bedroom  
>  
>Meanwhile, Ranma's body started to get buffed and cut. He didn't  
>know that his body would turn out like this, nor did he know that  
>his body was becoming as perfect as it could get.

Crow: His sexually liberated mind, however, was foggier than a pair  
of glasses coming in from a cold winter's day. 

Joel: [Ranma] I shahl run fo-ah gobenor of Coddy-foh-knee-a!

 

>It was morning and he got up and started to take his shower, he went  
>into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Ranma then decided to take  
>a bath and got undressed, and started to clean up.

Tom: Wait a minute, wait a minute, he showered with his clothes on,  
stopped to brush his teeth, decided to take a bath then decided to  
clean up the bathroom in the nude?

Crow: Yep, he's definitely got sex on the brain.

 

>However, looking down between his legs he got the shock of his life.

Tom: [Ranma] Wrong HORMONES, Serenity.

 

>Scene: High above the house.  
>  
>"AHHHHHH! I HAVE THREE TESTICALS!" Ranma screamed in horror.

Crow: Talk about going through the roof.

Joel: [Ranma] Which direction am I going to dress now?!?

 

>Scene: Bathroom  
>  
>The martial artist was majorly freaking out, that was when his mom  
>came running to the door and she knocked on it. "Ranma, are you  
>alright?" Nodoka asked.

Joel: None of my panties fit anymore, Mom!

Crow: [Ranma] Y'know, if I shave my pubes just right, I'll bet I  
could make them resemble the Three Stooges.

 

>"Uh mom? Could you take me to the hospital? I don't think I'm  
>going to be okay," Ranma asked as he fainted and hit the floor with  
>a crash. Nodoka had heard a crash and opened the door to see that  
>her son was injured.

Tom: And this after she kept warning the boy to always wear clean  
underwear.

Crow: [Nodoka] My experiments are a success! For my next  
project... a panda with four asses.

 

>There were cuts and blood everywhere. He had hit the mirror as he  
>had fainted before hitting the ground.

Joel: And the open door rapidly desteamed the room. Ranma's cute  
little puppy-dog was fading from the mirror shards...

 

>She ran to the phone and called an ambulance, needing to get him to  
>the hospital fast. When they got there, the paramedics got him onto  
>a stretcher and out into the ambulance.

Tom: [Paramedic] Fifty bucks says it's a hiatus hernia. You in?

Crow: [Paramedic] Let's just get him to the hospital, I'm only two  
rescues away from getting a 150 Health bonus! 

 

>Nodoka mean while had grabbed some clothes for him and followed  
>them out to the ambulance to ride with them to the hospital.

Joel: [Nodoka] Oh shoot, I grabbed my Hello Kitty lingerie... oh  
well, not like he's going to be humiliated much less.

 

>Scene: Hospital  
>  
>Ranma was taken to the emergency room and they started to wrap up  
>his wounds. However when they tried to get and entire x-ray of his  
>body, they saw something that shouldn't be there,

Crow: (mocking) NOOO!

Joel: An extra slice of bread in the breadbasket, if you catch my  
drift. One too many spare ribs, if ya get it...

 

>that and the machine couldn't get a proper x-ray of his groin  
>region. "Take him in for a CAT scan," said the doctor.

Tom: Ranma's third ball had the power of intangibility.

Crow: [Nodoka] Are you blind, quack? He needs a BALL scan!

 

>"Carbon? In his crotch?" said a technician, "a diamond?"  
>  
>Looking down at it, the doctor saw it too. "As big as the Hope  
>Diamond?" the doctor asked.  
>  
>"That's what I'm thinking," said the techie,

Tom: First glue sniffing, then gas huffing, now this. The kids  
really need to find cheaper thrills.

Crow: Thank you 'fic for making us picture and imagine Ranma's  
hairy ballsack plus abnormal physical deformity for the past three  
paragraphs now.

 

>later the doctor came out and saw Nodoka and Genma. Nodoka had  
>called Genma to the hospital due to her son being in the hospital.  
>Genma didn't really care as long as Ranma would be alright and able  
>to carry on the two school. That and Ranma was his meal ticket to  
>an early retirement with Soun.

Crow: But enough about Ranma's crotch, time for some good  
old-fashioned Genma bashing!

Tom: [Genma] Thank God. Three balls, three Tendo girls. I was  
almost afraid that third one wouldn't come in.

 

>"How is Ranma?" a worried Nodoka asked.  
>  
>"He's fine you can take him home. But there is something I want to  
>show you," said Doctor Mizuno. Taking them into another room she  
>showed them the CAT scan and what it revealed.

Joel: [Doctor] See? There's clearly a logical disconnect in the  
prologue region which could be impacting the plot. We may have  
to operate.

 

>"A diamond in his crotch?" asked Nodoka in surprise. The doctor  
>only nodded in response.  
>  
>"Well, take it out!" Genma said angrily wanting the diamond for  
>himself. `With that I can retire without the dojo or Soun. The boy  
>be damned…' he thought to his greedy self.

Crow: [Announcer] And join us next week for "Veterinarian's  
Hospital", when you can hear Doctor Bob respond to Nurse Janice's  
question:

Joel: [Nurse Janice] What do you do with a patient with three balls,  
Doctor?

Tom: [Doctor Bob] Walk him and pitch to the anaethesiologist!

 

>"Sure that is if you want your meal ticket punched," said a voice  
>coming behind them. It was of a young woman, with a light tan,  
>crimson eyes, green hair and dressed in a red dress suit. "You  
>remove the diamond from him, you'll kill him," the woman explained.

Joel: [Nurse Janice] Don't worry ma'am, the jokes will kill him long  
before that happens.

 

>"I don't care, take it OUT!!!" Genma bellowed, his greed over riding  
>his sense of self preservation. Wanting that Diamond more than  
>anything else.

Crow: Gallant gives his girlfriend a diamond in a velvet box. Goofus  
thinks of other ways to deliver jewelry.

Joel: [young woman] But think of the freak show value! You could  
take him all over the country and make even more money!

 

>"Genma!!!" Nodoka said a bit loudly, her hand inching towards her  
>katana. Getting very angry at her husbands lack of concern for  
>their son.  
>  
>"Uh… yes No-chan?" he asked shakily, starting to get very afraid of  
>her and the katana again.  
>  
>"Don't you No-chan me. Don't you care about Ranma's well being?" she  
>asked dangerously.

Tom: So, no questions for the green-haired woman who's obviously  
talking out of her ass and NOT a medical professional? Okay, just  
making sure.

 

>Snorting at the question, his greed over rode his common sense and  
>sense of self preservation. "We don't need the boy now, just get the  
>diamond out of him and we can live on easy street forever. We can  
>even have another child, better than that dishonorable son of ours!"  
>he stated stupidly.

Crow: [Nodoka] We? We share a room, not a womb.

 

>"GENMA!!!" she screamed, and then started to chase him around with  
>the katana. Intending to cleave him in two.

Joel: Oh, it's Benny Hill as directed by Quentin Tarantino.

 

>However, Genma being who he was, decided to get the hell out of  
>the hospital and find a place to hide out for a while. That and to  
>figure out a way to get the diamond out of Ranma's crotch.

Joel: [Genma] Eureka! I'll use a Eureka!

 

>After Genma had escaped, Nodoka returned to the room where Setsuna  
>was waiting  
>  
>"Hello Setsuna, sorry about all that..." Nodoka apologized softly.  
>  
>"Oh it's quite alright, your husband is nothing but a fat fucking  
>fool. He doesn't deserve to be Ranma's father. I don't know why you  
>even stay with someone like him…" she said with utter contempt for  
>Genma in her voice.

Tom: [Nodoka] He's been away from me for sixteen years, it saved our  
marriage.

 

>\----------------  
>  
>Meanwhile Ranma was taking a little catnap and was talking to  
>Serenity. All the while, Nodoka and Setsuna were talking about  
>Genma and about old times.

Joel: [Nodoka] So, girlfriend, how far are you through Oprah's  
latest book?

Tom: [Pluto] I've read the current one and the next three as well.

Joel: [Nodoka] But she hasn't announced them yet!

Tom: [Pluto] I know.

 

>Scene: Moon Palace ruins.  
>  
>"What do you mean it's in your crotch?" Serenity asked, utterly in  
>shock.  
>  
>"Yeah… it's inside the skin where my testicles are located. Not  
>sure if it's connected to anything important or not..." Ranma  
>explained embarrassingly.

Tom: Uh, I'd say affirmative on that one, Ranma.

Crow: Pluto seems to think that it's directly attached to Ranma's  
aorta.

 

>"Hmm, this might work. Ranma, there's going to be one of many ways  
>to empower the Senshi. I'm going to have to activate them in you,"  
>the ghost of Queen Serenity said with a sultry smile

Joel: Who knew that inclusion into the Senshi came with birth  
control?

 

>"Really how?" Ranma asked completely oblivious to the sultry smile.  
>Although, he got the idea when she started to unfasten his jeans.  
>"H…H…Hey, what are you doing?" the martial artist asked in a panic,  
>trying to keep his pants on.

Tom: Uh, this is the man with "raised hormones", right?

 

>It was then that the crystal calmed him down as she laid him down  
>on to the marble floor.

Crow: Oh God, she's searching for the Dragonballs.

Tom: [Serenity] Wiggle wobble, wiggle wobble... wow, times three,  
how freaky.

 

>Then she reached up and removed her dress, letting it fall to the  
>floor. Serenity was completely naked with the exception of her  
>panties. Finally she pulled those off leaving her completely nude.

Crow: Meanwhile, in the hospital room, Ranma is bucking up and down  
on the examination table.

Joel: [Nodoka] A-heh heh hehh... ahhh... he's just chasing a  
rabbit. That's it.

 

>Pulling out his penis and settled herself on top of him, allowing  
>him to enter her nether regions. 

Tom: [Ranma] Now what?

Joel: [Ranma] I guess I won't waste time either... ZZZZZzzzzz...

 

>Ranma groaned at how tight she was, `hell this is my dream might as  
>well go along with it,' he thought she started to hump away at him.  
>This started the empowering process.

Crow: Greatest. Motivational. Counselor. Ever.

Tom: Clearly Ranma is the better choice over Mamoru, for he's  
never... uhh, straying... well, he's at least keeping it in the family!

 

>Also this allowed her to make him as powerful as Sailor Moon in her  
>eternal form but he would need to work to control the powers. Plus  
>he also had all of the other Senshi powers as well. Although he  
>still would have to learn to control those as well and incorporate  
>them into his fighting style. 

Joel: So remember folks, eat a crystal, have sex with a middle aged  
woman and you can own the world.

Crow: What if he just dry-humps? Does that lead to just a  
heightening of senses as well as adamantium claws?

 

>Ranma finally came inside of Serenity and was fully powered up by  
>the end of that little tryst.

Joel: While Serenity was fully knocked up.

Crow: Dang, I wish I could get a battery recharger that works in only  
one minute.

 

>Cuddling up with him, she started to enjoy the afterglow. "You'll  
>have to do this with each Senshi if you want them to get a power up.

Tom: [Ranma as Roger Ramjet] EGAD! A JAYWALKER! And  
I'm all out of proton energy pills! Form a line, brave senshi,  
and present those firm ample buttocks to me so I may power you  
up to deal with this diabolical menace to all that's pure and ivory!

 

>However Sailor Saturn, Neptune and Uranus might need another way.  
>You will know the way when it is needed.

Crow: [Ranma] I'm probably going to get lonely in the next little  
while, so could you draw me a diagram?

 

>You now have every magical power the senshi have. Although yours  
>are chaotic and not as controlled as theirs. You will need to practice  
>to get full control and to incorporate them into your fighting style,"  
>Serenity explained while purring.

Tom: And if this recent session was any indication, Ranma may have  
to work on waiting long enough to use these magical powers.

 

>"Y… You mean I have to have s… sex with all of them?" he asked,  
>very afraid that the Nerima crew would try and kill the girls out  
>right. That and they would try to kill him for that matter as well.

Crow: [Ranma] And if I boink Mamoru, does that mean he'll be  
more macho?

Joel: [Serenity] No, but his hair will become more beautiful than  
anything else in the known universe.

 

>"Yes with them but not all of them. Three of them might not take to  
>the idea, that and maybe the other Inner Scouts might not want to  
>get their power boos that way," she explained to him.

Crow: [Serenity] But I'm here to give you secrets. Uranus is an  
absolute sucker for Bartles & Jaymes, just pump about four into her  
and she won't even know you're there.

 

>"A…A…Alright Serenity, but what about the people from Nerima?" he  
>asked nervously

Crow: [Serenity] If you don't use protection, your white-hot seed of  
justice will burn them to cinders.

 

>"Don't worry about them, with their power ups, and also you teaching  
>them how to fight properly. They should be able to defend themselves  
>against those from your past," she said to assuage his fears.

Joel: [Ranma] Hey Jupiter, thanks for beating the crap out of Akane  
for me!

Crow: [Jupiter] Thanks for power booing me up for the job! But  
please, next time, I'm on top.

 

>Finally with that said, she noticed that he was inflating inside of  
>her and was ready for another round with her.

Tom: Ranma Saotome IS the Michelin Man!

 

>The queen smiled and started to have sex with him again.

Joel: Minutes later, Ranma exploded from being overcharged.

 

>\---------  
>  
>Later Ranma was awoken to the sight of his mother Nodoka. "Are you  
>ready to go son?" she asked as Ranma nodded and stretched.

Crow: Ranma Saotome: MILF Hunter.

 

>Leaving the hospital room, Nodoka was checking her son out, and  
>noticed the changes. She noticed that her son was more filled out  
>and much nicer looking than before.

Joel: [Nodoka] Yikes... I gotta lay off the Kay Parker films!

 

>"Hey mom?" Ranma started off, startling Nodoka out of her  
>examination of Ranma.  
>  
>"Yes son?" she replied.

Tom: [Ranma] Does it count if you lose your virginity in a dream?

Joel: [Nodoka] Um, I don't think so.

Tom: [Ranma] How about the three times after that?

 

>"Can we go do a little shopping? I have a taste for some black  
>colored clothing..." he said with a smile.

Joel: [Ranma] And get a spit curl, and find a temporary job at  
Arby's and...

 

>End for now.

Tom: [Ranma] No! It can't be the end! I was promised more nookie!  
Finally my repressed emotions can spurt forth with the force of a  
raging geyser!

 

>Scene: 

Tom: [Ranma] Oh good, more story! Don't scare me like that!

 

>A store in the mall.

Crow: Jackie Chan had already thrown five goons through various  
displays and was working his way over to ladies garments...

 

>Ranma was trying out some clothes and he was checking himself  
>out. He was in a muscle shirt and a pair of slacks. "What do you  
>think mom?" He said showing her his outfit, "too plain?"

Joel: [Nodoka] You could use a little more room in the seat,  
honey. How about these Toughskins over here? I'll pick out five  
for you to try on.

 

>Nodoka looked at her son and was amazed at how he looked.  
>"Uh no, no it isn't." She said, "as a matter of fact. It looks good  
>on you," Ranma smiled and hugged her tightly.

Crow: Ranma needs his mommy's validation for his new tough-guy  
image.

Tom: Please don't tell me she's angling for a "recharge" too.

 

>"Thanks mom," he said happily as they got him some clothes  
>and went back home. Later on there was a knock at the front door.  
>  
>"I'll get it mom," Ranma said as he got up to get the door. 

Crow: [Ranma] Girl Scout cookies? Are you kidding?! See what a  
badass I am?! I have no need... wait, are those thin mints??

 

>When he got there and opened it, he smiled as he saw Setsuna  
>standing there. "Oh Hello Ms. Meio," he said politely.  
>  
>"Hello Ranma," Setsuna responded in kind waiting for him to invite  
>her into the house.

Crow: [Ranma] Sorry, Ms. Meio, but the hard sell just won't work.  
It's thin mints or nothing.

 

>"Oh please come in, mom's in the kitchen. I'll go and get her,"  
>Ranma said with a smile.  
>  
>"Actually I wanted to see you Ranma," Setsuna said softly.  
>  
>"Me? Why me?" Ranma asked in a confused tone.

Tom: Wasn't Serenity supposed to take away the "lack of  
intelligence curse" too?

Joel: [Setsuna] I'm always on the lookout for sales. And I said to  
myself in the hospital, "What man could use a nice sharp Ginsu  
knife? Why, the man with three balls, of course!"

 

>"Well I wanted to talk to you about what has happened to you," the  
>Senshi of Pluto said seriously. Therefore the two of them walked  
>into the living room after Setsuna had removed her shoes and sat  
>down on the couch to talk.

Crow: Now in this scene, Setsuna will play the role of Jason  
Seaver... Ranma, of course, will always be Mike Seaver.

Joel: When Setsuna goes for the grope, I bet she comes up with two  
nickels and a wad of used gum.

 

>Scene: A dark throne room

Tom: Serenity thought the blindfolding was a bit too much, but  
Ranma held the key to the "kingdom"...

 

>In the room a lone figure waited as he sat back on his throne. He  
>was dressed in long, dark robes with a golden eye on the hood. The  
>man had a golden upside down pyramid hanging from a gold chain  
>on his neck. 

Crow: This is what Dick Cheney dreams when he's having yet another  
heart attack.

Joel: And if you jiggle the fanfic, a neon sign saying "Evil!" pops  
up above him.

 

>He also had a golden rod in his left hand, this was Marik, the self  
>proclaimed pharaoh of the world. 

Tom: And he was always sneezing! Oy gevalt, what could be causing  
that??

Crow: This reads less like Yu-Gi-Oh and more like "The Secret Life  
of Walter Mitty".

 

>(AN: Folks, please don't hiss the villains.) 

Tom: [Author] ESPECIALLY the guy in the fourth row! I'm watching  
you, fella!

Crow: This is known as foreshadowing with weapons of mass  
destruction.

 

>"Queen's Knight, come forth!" he said, a young woman stepped out of  
>a huge painting and walked over to the throne. She knelt in front of  
>Marik and bowed her head; she was dressed in black armor and had  
>blond hair sticking out.

Crow: Woody Allen and Soon-Yi's roleplaying became extremely  
involved as time went by...

Tom: [Marik] Ken, I want you to conquer Japan immediately.  
And watch out for Ken.

 

>"Yes all powerful pharaoh?" she said softly, "I want you to go and  
>destroy those pesky Sailor Senshi once and for all!" Marik stated  
>loudly.  
>  
>"Yes my pharaoh." Queen's Knight said and disappeared in a flash of  
>light.

Joel: [Queen's Knight] Rook h1, Bishop h6... you're with me.

 

>(Cue Theme)

All: (singing) Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid!

 

>Wild Senshi  
>  
>Chapter 1: Screwing with Time

Crow: [Brian Griffin] Smooth.

Joel: This is going to start out with "Meanwhile, back on the  
couch..." and feature plenty of private parts, isn't it?

 

>Scene: A mall

Crow: It didn't work once, Woody, it's not gonna work twice.

 

>Usagi Tsukino was shopping with some friends and they were looking  
>at some really good sales. 

Joel: [Mars] Ooh, red furry dice! My life is complete!

Tom: Meanwhile, Ranma was at "Sunglass Hut" finding a bitchin'  
pair of shades that his mother would approve of for his badass  
costume.

 

>When all of the sudden yomas started to attack, people were running  
>everywhere trying to get out and escape.

Crow: [Usagi] Will you people shut up?! I finally found a pair  
of boots I can tolerate!

Tom: [Usagi] Hey, perfume counter workers... do what you do  
naturally and go spray 'em in the face while I get some help!

 

>However these weren't the ordinary yomas, sure they were female  
>and they were monsters but the were cards. 

Crow: Ranma opened them all... sadly, none of his relatives sent  
him any cold hard cash.

 

>Some were pulling off the symbols of their suits and throwing them  
>at people.

Joel: Ahh! It's a flying Prada logo! And there's a Gucci! No,  
not a DKNY! Those fiends!

 

>The hearts were black and turned people against one another, the  
>diamonds stab and cut people,

Tom: [Girl, sobbing] You diamonds were my best friends! I  
*LOVED* you!!

 

>the clubs wrap people up in electrified ivy and the spades emitted a  
>powerful poisonous gas.

Joel: And the 'Rules for Playing Poker' settled for the whiffle bat.

 

>"We've got to stop them!" said Usagi, the others were in full  
>agreement.  
>  
>"Usagi can you still transform?" said Ami, Usagi nodded.  
>  
>"Watch, MOON ETERNAL POWER, MAKE-UP!" she screamed and  
>as she tried to transform it didn't happen. The others looked on in  
>shock and dismay, because their leader was unable to transform.

Crow: [Rei] Megatron has fallen! I, Sailor Mars declare myself the  
new leader!

 

>"Come on, MINNA HENSHIN YO!" Ordered Minako.  
>  
>"MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER!"  
>  
>"MARS CRYSTAL POWER!"  
>  
>"JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER!"  
>  
>"VENUS CRYSTAL POWER!"  
>  
>"SATURN CRYSTAL POWER!"  
>  
>"MAKE UP!" They said together, and all transformed into the Sailor  
>Senshi. 

Crow: They are truly the Greek chorus of superheroing.

Tom: [Ranma] My three balls sense danger and scantily-clad women!  
Mother, hold my long forbidding trenchcoat, I go in search of tail!

 

>After that they went out to fight off the yomas. They were taking  
>the yomas out and it was easy, then all of the sudden, Queen's  
>Knight appeared out of nowhere.

Tom: Charge up the energy bar and cue the boss theme!

Crow: [Jupiter] Remember, beat her senseless till she starts  
flashing red! Then beat her some more!

 

>Upon seeing her, they then focused their powers on her.

Joel: So what, two of them go to hold her down and another one  
gets out the magnifying glass?

 

>"SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!" said Mercury, but the attack just rolled  
>off of Queen's Knight, which shocked Mercury to no end.

Crow: [Queen's Knight] Fox exposed that old parlor trick  
years ago!

Tom: [Mercury] An illusion that does no physical damage? No way!

 

>"What was that?" Queen's Knight asked with a sneer, 

Joel: [Queen's Knight] This is not a chawade! We need total  
concentwation! Again, and this time with fee-wing!

 

>"Allow me to show what ice can do.

Crow: Joel Schumacher proved a hundred puns relating to it  
doesn't make a great film.

 

>DIAMOND DUST!" she said loudly as the diamond on her armor  
>glowed in resonance with the head of her staff. Then she pointed it  
>at Mercury and a beam of ice was shot out at her putting Mercury  
>in a block of ice.

Crow: Phew, thank heaven the author spellchecked here, I'd hate to  
see Mercury in a block of lice.

Joel: [Mercury] Dammit, if only my power were to summon gigantic  
amounts of strawberry custard...

 

>"MERCURY!" screamed the Senshi, then the ice block turned into a  
>huge playing card of Mercury crucified. The queen laughed manically.

Tom: So what goes on the red Mercury, a black Saturn?

 

>Sailor Mars looked over to the evil queen. "You're going to pay for  
>this!" the senshi of fire said heatedly, 

Joel: How apropos.

Crow: You'd better not say that, Mars... she's liable to make  
One-Eyed Reis wild.

 

>"BURNING MANDALA!" Rings of flames left her hands and attacked  
>the queen and they hit.  
>  
>"Yes got her!" said Mars, just then out of the smoke came a stream  
>of fire that hit Mars and surrounded her.

Tom: [Queen's Knight] Flames will be cheerfully deleted!

 

>Then once the flames engulfed her, she was turned into a huge  
>playing card.

Crow: It's Senshi Freecell! Collect the whole set!

Joel: Where's Maverick when you need him? 

 

>"MARS!" Moon screamed out as Jupiter stepped up. Punching her hand  
>into the air, Jupiter spoke "its show time!" 

Joel: Just now? Man, movies previews are just getting longer and  
longer...

Crow: [Jupiter] Please turn off your cell phones and open your  
smuggled cans of pop now.

 

>"SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!" the senshi of Jupiter screamed as she  
>tossed a disk of electricity at the queen, but the creature used its  
>staff to parry the incoming attack

Crow: Jupiter's been watching too much TRON.

 

>"CLUB'S IVY!" said Queen's Knight, while green vines of ivy  
>surrounded Jupiter and fried her. Then she was turned into a huge  
>playing card.  
>  
>"Who's next?" the creature questioned with a snarl.  
>  
>"I am!" Venus proclaimed as Queen rolled her eyes. "VENUS LOVE ME  
>CHAIN!" shouted out the senshi of love. However, Queen grabbed the  
>chain and fried her, and like the others she was turned into a huge  
>playing card.

Tom: [Queen's Knight] Just one more senshi and I can finally  
call!

Joel: Suddenly, I'm nostalgic for 'Card Sharks'.

 

>Now Usagi who couldn't transform at the moment, was getting scared.  
>However once Queen was about to attack, a yellow beam hit her from  
>behind.

Crow: Oh GOD no, so this is Ranma's great benefit to having three  
testicles?!?

 

>Both Usagi and Queen looked over and saw two more senshi,  
>one dressed in blue and the other in sea green. Then the two new  
>arrivals started their attacks.

Joel and Tom: [Senshi, singing] We're the Pointless Sisters  
nowwww... so relax, don't have a cowwww... when we're thru, just  
clap your hands, we'll take a bowwww... we're pointless now!

 

>"WORLD SHAKING!" said the short haired blond another yellow blast  
>hit knocking Queen back.  
>  
>"DEEP SUBMERGE!" the long sea green haired one spoke out in a loud  
>voice. Being surprised by the two new arrivals, Queen was hit by the  
>magical stream of water.

Crow: [Neptune] You're a lucky lucky chess piece... you get to  
drink from THE FIRE HOSE!!! OPEN WIDE!

 

>Scene: With Ranma and Nodoka

Tom: It may be "new" but it's not all that "improved".

 

>After the conversation with Setsuna, they decided to go back to the  
>mall and get some more clothing among other things.

Joel: [Ranma] Wow, this Suncoast has all of the plot spoilers I  
could possibly want! Wait... I could've been trapped on an island  
with thousands of other scantily-clad women? SERENITY!!

 

>However, when they arrived and saw what was going, Setsuna tried to  
>sneak off and transform. This wasn't missed by Ranma who had caught  
>her and saw her transformation into Sailor Pluto. Standing there  
>in her sentai pose, Ranma just blinked and waited for her to speak.  
>  
>"Ranma, they'll need your help," Pluto said seriously.  
>  
>"I'll go and see what's going on," the martial artist said, therefore  
>Pluto went with him.

Crow: Ranma doesn't go by your rules and he doesn't truck to your  
hangups! He just drifts casually where the trouble is and goes from  
there.

 

>"Is that body suit one piece?" Ranma said as they ran.  
>  
>"Why no it isn't. Why do you ask?" Pluto asked, before he grabbed  
>her.

Tom: [Ranma] Have you thought about the benefits of a wardrobe  
of muscle shirts and slacks?

 

>"Mom, I'll need the katana," Ranma said. Nodding, Nodoka tossed  
>him the blade without a second thought. "Thanks, get out of here!"  
>the martial artist ordered. Again nodding, Nodoka went to find a  
>safe place to hide, knowing her manly son would take care of this.

Joel: By shrieking "MASHERS!" at the top of his voice?

Tom: This is just so wrong in so many ways.

 

>While his mother escaped, he picked up Pluto and put her over his  
>shoulder in a fireman's carry. Then he brought her into her into  
>the men's restroom and sat her down.

Tom: [Pluto] You're so romantic, you clod.

Joel: [Ranma] I like to come here to serenade, the acoustics  
are excellent.

Crow: [Nodoka] Hey! How'd you find me so quickly? My turn to be  
"it" now!

 

>"What are you doing?" the senshi of Pluto demanded as she tried to  
>hit him with her key staff.  
>  
>"Will you stop hitting me with that staff? Look, I talked to your  
>queen last night and she said I have to do this to power you up,"  
>Ranma said as he picked her up again and placed her on the sink  
>while blushing.

Crow: [Pluto] I'd rather impale myself on one of these nasty  
flusher handles.

 

>"Do what?" Pluto asked as he removed her panties. "Wait a minute!"  
>the woman screamed, "What are you doing?"

Crow: Gil Grissom offered him a bounty for DNA retrieval.

Tom: [Ranma] Shhhhh! We've got to be in stealth mode, which  
means we're goin' commando!

 

>"Look the crystal's in my crotch right?" he asked and she nodded,

Crow: Not a statement you hear in the men's bathroom every day,  
is it?

Joel: [Pluto] Trust me, it's a lot easier to get high when you  
sniff it, Einstein.

 

>"You girls are going to need some power to beat these new enemies,  
>so I am going to have sex with you," Ranma said while blushing and  
>trying to prevent himself from having a major nosebleed.

Joel: [Ranma] But then things will be too uneven, so I'll have to  
knock the monsters up to ensure a fair fight!

 

>The martial artist then gently placed his cock up inside of the Senshi  
>of times vagina and started to have sex with her.

Crow: Positions, man! Give us the down low of EVERY body part!  
How in heck will all the fetishists keep interest if they have no  
clue where the feet are??

 

>Ranma being inexperienced was pounding into Pluto with wanton  
>abandon. This was painful at first for Setsuna, but soon he had  
>gotten a good rhythm going, and she was moaning `more' and  
>`harder'.

Crow: [Pluto] Oh yes, more evidence to use against you... h-harder  
time for you to serve in prison! Yesss!

 

>"Do you want it?" Ranma asked with a husky voice.  
>  
>"Yes I want it," she whispered breathlessly.  
>  
>"I'm sorry I didn't hear you, what did you say?" he asked as he  
>continued.

Tom: [Ranma] DOST THOU DESIRE THE POWER?

 

>"THE POWER GIVE IT TO ME! EMPOWER ME WITH YOUR  
>ROD!" Pluto screamed out with utter lust in her voice.

Tom: [Ranma] I just got word back from the Sorceress,  
personally she's disgusted and refuses to have anything to do with  
the whole affair.

Joel: Twenty minutes of dirty talk and two minutes of sex later,  
a powered up Pluto arrived on the battlefield to discover the bodies  
of her comrades covered with black flies.

 

>"Get ready, because here it comes!" Ranma stated firmly, while he  
>came inside of the Senshi of Time. When it was over, both were  
>powered up and weren't even breathing hard, "You ready?" the  
>martial artist asked and Pluto nodded.

Joel: [Pluto] Ready for a smoke and some therapy.

 

>"Let's go," the senshi of time said in her business like tone,  
>having regained her composure after their little tryst.

Tom: How ironic. It was over even before one could get to the  
second verse of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light".

 

>Both of them were about to walk out when Ranma stopped her. "Pluto,  
>pull up your panties. You look like a slut," the martial artist  
>said calmly but with a blush on his face. Gasping in surprise, she  
>blushed and hastily pulled them back up.

Crow: [Ranma] And get a paper towel, you've got semen dripping  
down your leg. What a ho you are.

 

>Scene: The fight.  
>  
>Neptune and Uranus were dodging attacks and firing on Queen's  
>Knight, who was also dodging and attacking.

Joel: [Neptune] I told you we should've used the Konami code!

 

>Then she caught Neptune and turned her into a playing card,  
>"NEPTUNE!" Uranus screamed out in rage and loss, wondering if her  
>lover would ever get free. However, that distraction cost her and  
>allowed her to be hit and turned into a card as well.

Crow: They went out... as one pair. How fitting.

 

>"Now it's the little blond girls turn," Queen said, and was about  
>to attack Usagi when all of the sudden she was attacked again.

Tom: The Killer Tomatoes would not be denied their vengeance.

 

>"Dead Scream!" A crimson ball of energy hit her, and then she  
>heard. "Deal with this! DEAD HEADS!"

Crow: [Queen] No! Not the last of the hippies! NOOOOO!!!

Tom: What's next? Lemon Heads?

Joel: Melonhead?

Crow: Radiohead?

Joel: Max Headroom?

Tom: Head of the Class?

Crow: Herman's Head?

 

>Just then the area was turned into a graveyard, Queen's Knight  
>started to look around in fear. "Where am I?" the demonic woman  
>said fearfully. Whipping her head around she heard laughter, and  
>therefore tried to find the source, but couldn't.

Crow: Would a demonic woman REALLY be afraid of a graveyard?

Joel: [Vincent Price] And though you fight to stay alive, your body  
starts to shiver... for no mere mortal can survive... the evil of the  
THRILLER!! Muahahahaha!!!

 

>That was until she looked behind her and saw two people dressed in  
>robes with the symbol for Pluto on them. Queen looked over her  
>shoulder and she saw them. One was a young woman with crimson eyes  
>and the other was a handsome young man.

Joel: [young man] Yes, this creature will suffice for Plan 11.

Tom: [young woman] I'll ready the paper plat... I mean, our saucer.

 

>"What the?" the demonic woman started but she was grabbed by two  
>skeleton hands and slammed down on to a slab. A couple more started  
>to pull off her panties as the woman unzipped the man's slacks and  
>the man started to put it inside of her.

Crow: The skeleton slabbed her while Ranma stabbed her.

 

>Queen's Knight started to yell and scream `NO' and `HELP MY  
>PHAROAH'. However, soon she started to scream `YES' and `MORE'  
>as lust filled her brain.

Tom: [Queen's Knight] My head only takes MIDGRADE LUST! I  
can't have any of this cheap tawdry shit!

 

>Ranma finally saw the evil aura separate from the demonic woman  
>he was literally screwing. It came out in the shape of a card,  
>Therefore he had Setsuna use the katana and slice it in half being  
>too busy ramming his manhood home into Queen's womanhood.

Crow: Yes, it's 'The Exorcist: The Version You Never Wanted To See'.

Joel: Well, at least she'll have the satisfaction of projectile  
vomiting all over Ranma.

Tom: Ranma's Youma Removal Service. Our motto... "If it's got a  
hole, Ranma'll bring his pole!"

 

>"Your evil has been purged, Queen's Knight," Ranma proclaimed in  
>grunts, and then he came in her.

Crow: Now it's evil with a messy white residue.

 

>After that, Ranma pulled up his pants and got Queen dressed before  
>the senshi created realm dissipated

Tom: Helluva way to clean up a crime scene.

Joel: Oh, Ranma leaves every encounter with dignity, doesn't he?

 

>Later on after the battle was over, Ranma and Nodoka started to  
>walk out of the mall with some new clothes with two women  
>following them out. One was Setsuna and the other was a beautiful  
>blond with blue-gray eyes dressed in a white blouse, slacks and  
>sandals  
>  
>"How's about we get some lunch, what do you say? Setsuna?  
>Elizabeth?" Ranma asked politely while looking at the others.

>"Sure," they said.

Crow: [Elizabeth] Anything but hot dogs. The last thing I want  
is a wiener right now.

 

>End for now.

Joel: More rape to come.

Tom: Film at six, eleven, one in the morning, three in the morning,  
and downloadable off the Internet.

 

>Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma Â½ nor do I own Sailor Moon  
>or anyone from the Yu-Gi-Oh! series. I do however own all original  
>monsters and attacks that I create. So don't Sue me.

Crow: Blue Eyes White Pikachu! I choose you!

 

>Credit goes to my pre-reader Nameless Author. For without her this  
>fic would look worse than a car wreck!

Joel: Now remember, fanfiction has a no-fault law...

 

>\----------  
>  
>Scene: Marik's Headquarters

Joel: They've given up chasing random chess pieces and are now  
tracking that elusive criminal mastermind, Carmen Sandiego.

Crow: Can they arrest Rockapella first? Please?

 

>Marik saw what had happened to Queen's Knight and was not happy.  
>"That bumbling idiot! JACK'S KNIGHT COME FORTH!" he screamed.

Tom: [Jack's Knight] Can somebody tell me what kind of world  
that we live in when a man dressed up in a muscle shirt gets all of  
my press?

Joel: How much you wanna bet Jack's Knight is going out for a bit  
of redrum?

 

>Jack's Knight appeared out of nowhere bowing before Marik.  
>  
>"Yes, great pharaoh?" he queried. The demonic male had dirty blond  
>hair, and wore black armor similar looking to Queen's Knight's own.

Crow: [Marik] I need you to take dictation! This situation calls  
for a strongly-worded letter to the editor!

 

>"I want you to go out and find this new ally of the Senshi and  
>destroy him!" Marik growled out angrily.  
>  
>"By your command," the warrior left.

Joel: [Marik] Oh, and some smokes. Without it the ambiance of  
this scene would be ruined.

 

>\----------  
>  
>(Cue theme)

Tom: (singing) I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much  
more for the touch of your... whips dear. You can raise welts like  
nobody else, as we dance to the Masochism Tango!

 

>Wild Senshi  
>  
>Chapter 2: Sex, Thugs and Rock -n- Roll

Joel: This fanfic contains explicit scenes of Hoochie Koo. Viewer's  
discretion is advised.

 

>Scene: Tendo Dojo  
>  
>Ranma and Nodoka stopped by to tell the Nerima Crew that he was  
>done playing with them and that he was moving on. 

Tom: [Akane] Hey, don't you be playin' Tomboy T or she'll mess you up.

 

>This however didn't settle too well with them, "WHAT?" everyone  
>present screamed out.

Crow: [Ranma] I'm parlaying my stint on "Takeshi's Castle" to a  
regular Spike TV appearance as Ranma LeDouche!

Joel: Cue the montage!

 

>"Look dipsticks!" Ranma insulted, "I have had it with you people!  
>You drive me crazy and it's a short trip!" he explained then tried  
>to calm down relax.

Tom: Have some dip.

Crow: [Ranma] So go take a long walk off a short pier while sucking  
on eggs and flying a kite!

 

>"NO!!! I own you! You were promised to me before you were born!  
>You're MINE!!!" Akane exclaimed rather violently, her blazing red  
>battle aura getting stronger by the moment as she stood there.

Joel: Is this when the thugging starts?

Crow: Either that or some spiffy dance choreography.

 

>"You own me?" Ranma snorted out and then laughed, "How can you own  
>me, when it is illegal to own slaves?" he said derisively.

Tom: You tell us, Ranma, when "divine right" not only altered your  
physiology but gave you a harem.

 

>"B… B… But… what about us? I thought you loved me?" she deflated  
>a little.  
>  
>"Us? Us?" There is NO us," the martial artist growled out. "How can  
>there be an `us' when there is only `a you'?" he asked then started  
>to point to the others present.

Joel: [Ranma] Because, you see, I don't exist. So there.

Crow: Ranma, this is fine for Dr. Laura but Dr. Phil may disapprove.

Tom: Dr. House is loving it though.

 

>"A him?" pointing to Ryoga. "A them?" pointing to the other  
>fiancee's.  
>  
>"A her?" he snorted with utter distain as he pointed to Nabiki.  
>  
>"Finally a them?" Ranma finished off with pointing to the fathers  
>while growling softly.

Bots: [Soun and Genma] I'm with stupid!?

 

>"So tell me how is there and `us'? Because I really want to know,"  
>he demanded, upsetting Akane, as she started to get angry with him  
>again. No she was beyond angry, she was pissed and livid. How dare  
>he say all those things, he belonged to her, HER the best martial  
>artist in Nerima.

Tom: [Akane as Mai Shiraishi] Japan number one! Me bouncy!

Joel: Wait until Akane realizes that Ranma dumped her for Camilla.

 

>As Ranma headed for the stairs to get his things, Akane followed  
>while pulling out her mallet. "RANMA NO BAKA!!! YOU BELONG  
>TO ME!!!" she screamed as she swung it down towards Ranma's head.  
>However he dodged it, moving so fast that she could not hit him.  
>"Wha…?" she blinked in confusion as she lost her balance and fell  
>face first into the floor.

Crow: [Shampoo] I say, could someone pass me the Washington  
Times? This New York Post is completely content-free.

Tom: [Mousse] I had dibs on it first, once I'm done with Esquire.

 

>"I belong to NO ONE, do I make myself clear?" he stated angrily,  
>showing his very very powerful battle aura.

Tom: [Akane as Javert] Ranma, at last, we see each other plain!  
M'sieur le Consort, you'll wear a different chain!

 

>However, Genma not wanting his meal ticket to get away stepped in  
>front of Ranma. "Where do you think you are going boy?" Genma  
>sternly questioned Ranma in his most authoritive tone of voice.

Crow: [Ranma] To Aspen! I need to find Mary Samsonite and give  
her back her luggage!

 

>"Home!" Ranma forcefully stated while adding a bit of ki to his  
>voice. Thus scaring Genma enough to piss his pants and back off. 

Joel: [Genma] Aww! You guys made me ink!

 

>"Let me tell you why you want me to stay," Ranma stated as he  
>grabbed his crotch, "Ten million dollars US currency, is right here  
>and either you or Nabiki are going to try to give me a vasectomy  
>in my sleep! I don't trust either of you here!" he stated even more  
>forcefully.

Tom: So this has essentially become a remake of 'Hell Comes To  
Frogtown'?

Joel: [Nabiki] If you're that squeamish we can always go with the  
original plan of packing you in ice and selling your kidneys.

 

>Nabiki, upon hearing that, just couldn't let her biggest money  
>generator walk out of her life like that. "Oh no you don't Saotome,  
>you still have a debt and I expect full payment. And it seems that  
>jewel in your crotch will pay it off nicely…" she said with a snarl.

Tom: Nabiki was tired of berating Virgil and needed the gem to  
complete her Million Dollar Belt.

 

>Knowing he didn't have enough of a back bone to hit a woman, let  
>alone stand up to her. However, Nabiki didn't know that Ranma had  
>grown quite a back bone since his encounter with the Sailor Senshi.

Crow: Despite the evidence being presented right before her!

Tom: No, that's not the bone he's been growing with the Senshi.  
Can't you recall the prologue?

 

>"Oh and how do you plan to stop me Nabiki? I don't owe you jack  
>shit! 

Joel: [Nabiki] I write for Nerima Weekly, remember? Cross me and  
I'll smear you like Vaseline over a camera lens filming Liz Taylor!

 

>As I see it, your blackmail, betting pools, and extortion has  
>more than paid you off. If you don't like it then try and get me,  
>I will gladly put you into prison," he snarled out before storming  
>upstairs and grabbing his stuff.

Tom: The testimony should be a laugh riot.

Joel: [Ranma] Judge, this woman made me turn into a girl and give  
her nudie pictures!

Crow: Jack McCoy would laugh his hair right off.

 

>Finally after getting back down stairs, he stormed to the front door  
>with his mother following behind. "Ranma if you walk out that door.  
>You will be disowned from the family!" Genma yelled.  
>  
>Ranma just dropped to his knees and pretended to plead with Genma.  
>"Oh please don't throw me out of a family that you're NOT the head  
>of," Ranma stated in a very sarcastic tone of voice, then got up to  
>leave.

Joel: You could hardly tell that Ranma popped a Mentos before the  
scene started.

Crow: So how come the rest of the fiancees aren't going postal  
here?

Tom: Obviously they dropped dead from the collective heart attack  
long ago.

 

>"Boy! Come back here!" screamed Genma. However it fell onto deaf  
>ears as both Ranma and Nodoka walked away.

Crow: And Genma dejectedly danced over to the shelf and put his  
nifty little nutcracker soldier back.

Joel: [Genma] OK OK, I'll let you go! Just let me chisel off a  
sliver of that diamond to keep me on my feet for a couple years!  
I'm good for it!

Tom: Walked away! That's a capital idea! We should all walk away!  
Except for the small subset of those who hover slightly away, yet  
have their creators carry them the rest.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

The MSTing trio had barely stepped out of the theater when they  
heard a gruff yet familiar voice call out. 

"Hey there, fellas, which way to the beach?" 

Joel and the bots slowly turned around to see Gypsy. A single  
round bump the size of a tennis ball protruded from her body which  
was covered by a muscle shirt.

"No..." Crow shook his head in denial.

"It can't be..." Joel gasped in disbelief. 

"Hey, you ate my leftover ramen in the fridge, didn't you!?"  
Tom accused.

"Sure did, bro!" Gypsy happily replied as her bump jiggled a bit. 

"Oh lord, PLEASE let that bump be an adam's apple!" Crow  
exclaimed in horror.

"Commercial sign! We need commercial sign NOW!" a panicked  
Tom bellowed.

"G-Gypsy? Are you feeling okay?" Joel stammered. 

"I'm not quite sure... but what I am sure of is that all three  
of you are going to need some power to beat your enemies so  
I'm going to have sex with you. So, who wants me first?"  
Gypsy growled.

Crow and Tom fainted simultaneously and Joel looked to be  
on the verge of joining them when he noticed Gypsy's body was  
shaking slightly. As he looked her in the eye, she simply couldn't  
hold in her laughter anymore and giggled herself silly, the bump  
on her chest revealing itself to be nothing more than an orange  
as it fell out from under her muscle shirt.

"Oh, Joel, you should've seen the look on your face!" Gypsy  
finally managed to gasp as Joel now wore a sheepish look of  
embarrassment as he helped Tom and Crow up off the floor.

"Arrgh, Gypsy! I can think of a few more curses, letsee if  
that orange'll cure 'em!" Crow replied while alarms wailed and  
multicolored lights flashed.

"OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 'WILD SENSHI' PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other  
multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,  
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing  
and skits. ;p


	2. Chapter 2

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 43: WILD SENSHI PT. 2

(A Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh! Lemon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be  
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.  
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just  
covering our collective asses here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"Yu-Gi-Oh!" is the property of Kazuki Takahashi and all the  
distributors of his work.

"Wild Senshi" is the property of Greg Daniels. He has given us  
permission to MST his work and we greatly appreciate it. :)

Warning: This fic contains mature content and sexual content. If  
you are offended by such material or are too young to legally view  
it, please avoid it or delete it from your hard drive if you've already  
downloaded it. Otherwise, enjoy! 

* * *

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do  
anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow  
truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open  
for you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch  
as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you  
step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for  
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it  
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand  
reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the  
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater  
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>\----------  
>  
>"Mom, I suggest that you divorce pops… he ain't no good for ya. All  
>he's gonna do is drag the Saotome name through the mud…" he said  
>to his mother, knowing full well Genma had married into the Saotome  
>clan as he was ronin before that. Genma's own family disowning him  
>for training with Happosai.

Crow: [Nodoka] Are you kidding? I'd have to pay HIM alimony!

 

>Scene: Saotome manor  
>  
>Later after Ranma got settled in, the Senshi came over. "Ranma,"  
>called Nodoka. "Some friends are here," she finished.

Joel: [Ranma] Must be Hiroshi and Daisuke, man I gotta get some  
more friends!

 

>Upon getting down the stairs, spotted the Senshi and smiled at  
>them. 

All: [Senshi] We're always on duty!

 

>"Hey guys," the martial artist greeted they went into the living  
>room. "Are you all alright?" he asked in a concerned tone of voice.

Bots: [Senshi] THE TEST STRIP CAME UP PINK!

Joel: [Ranma] Cool! Did you find somebody to take care of them?

 

>As Nodoka came in with some juice for them, they nodded and smiled,  
>thanking the Saotome Patriarch for the refreshments. "Thanks for  
>saving our asses out there the other day," Said Minako.

Tom: [Ranma] Hmm, do I know you? You're not Sloppy Slut, or  
Nasty Skank...

Crow: [Minako, indignant] I'm Whiny Ho!

 

>"Hey, could you introduce yourselves to me?" he asked politely,  
>"Also tell me how you found this place?"

Joel: [Ranma] Are you wearing a wire?

Tom: [Ami] We followed the Batmobile trail.

Crow: [Rei] We took a right turn at Mendo's, a left at the Maison  
Ikkoku, and crossed the road when Takahashi wasn't looking.

 

>"I'm Usagi Tsukino."  
>  
>"I'm Ami Mizuno."  
>  
>"I'm Rei Hino."  
>  
>"I'm Makoto Kino."  
>  
>"And I'm Minako Aino."

Tom: [Ranma] Sure, sure, the wardrobe with the French maid  
outfits is upstairs and the kitchen is that way. And next time just  
wear nametags.

 

>"We found you by following the energy signature of the Ginzuisho,"  
>said Usagi.  
>  
>"Oh... that… yeah I guess you would find me that way," Ranma  
>chuckled nervously, just then a video of the Three Lights came on. 

Joel: So that's what happened to the Chipettes.

Crow: Tragic yet expected.

 

>He laughed and started singing. "We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too.  
>Sailor Moon is kinda cute, we watch TRL on Asian MTV everybody  
>Three count… One, Two, Three! One...two...threeeeee!!!" Ranma  
>laughed again. 

Crow: [Rei] He's a bigger ditz than you, Usagi!

Joel: Then Ami picks up a brownie and wonders why it's a funny  
green color.

 

>Usagi and Minako were mad and they got into his face because of how  
>he insulted their singing.  
>  
>"THEY ARE NOT LIKE THAT!" both screamed in unison as Ranma  
>raised his hands in defense. 

Crow: When did this turn into an episode of 'Jem and the Holograms'?

Tom: Ranma Cowell, "Simon" to his friends, just couldn't seem to  
leave his work at the office.

 

>Just then there was announcement that they were coming back to  
>Juuban. "YES!" Usagi and Minako both screamed excitedly.  
>  
>Ranma got up and looked at them, "Who are these guys anyway?" the  
>pigtailed martial artist asked.  
>  
>"They are just some friends," Minako replied in a off-handed manner.

Joel: Don't be too scared, Ranma... you wouldn't believe how they  
spazzed out over seeing Jabberjaw and the Neptunes last week at the  
Tokyo Dome.

 

>"Must be more than friends if you two snapped like that," the young  
>Saotome grumbled. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I'll make up for  
>my little joke by seeing if I can get some tickets to the show."  
>  
>They looked at him, "You'd do that for us?" both asked excitedly and  
>he nodded in response.  
>  
>"So hows about it?" he asked the Senshi. The only response was  
>enthusiastic nodding. "KICK ASS, Mom!"  
>  
>Nodoka heard the commotion and walked in to the room, "You  
>bellowed my son?" she chuckled jokingly.

Crow: [Ranma] No Mom, I asked you to kick my ass. What does a  
guy need to do here, scribble on the walls with crayon?

 

>"Sorry about that, I need a small favor," Ranma stated. Later he  
>was on the phone smiling while talking to someone on the other  
>end. "Okay thank you, back stage passes too right? Kick ass, thanks  
>we'll pick them up tonight. Alright, bai," he hung up the phone, 

Joel: [Ranma] Well, the Lights concert was completely sold out  
but I got us front row center for David Hyde Pierce's one man show!

 

>"Okay ladies. Thanks to mom, I got us tickets to see them and back  
>stage passes. Now am I forgiven?"  
>  
>"You already were, we knew you were playing," said Usagi.

Tom: [Ranma] Concert tickets! Right here! They'll cover those  
emotional sexual-assaulting scars, right?

 

>"Okay, the concert's at Eight in the evening so let's all meet back  
>here at Six," Usagi said, the others agreeing immediately.

Crow: [Ranma] I'm gonna hit the local bars for a few hours, the  
more women I can empower, the better.

 

>\-------------  
>  
>Scene: With Jack's Knight  
>  
>The concert was getting ready and set up, everything was prepared  
>as this was going to be a Three Lights concert no one would ever  
>forget. 

Crow: Until one of the Three Lights found a brown M&M in the bowl  
backstage.

 

>"Now my little minions, we are going to have some fun," he said.  
>Jack was dressed like a roadie, and stood there waiting. Pulling  
>out a deck of possessed playing cards, he set them on a speaker  
>and left them there. Just then he was called to help out with  
>setting up the speakers and amps.

Tom: [Hoagie] Hurry up, if we're late I don't get to test the drums!

Joel: [technician] We gotta see if these speakers go all the way  
up to 11!

 

>\----------------  
>  
>Scene: the Three Lights dressing room.  
>  
>The Three Lights were getting ready for the concert, one had on  
>a red suit with a black shirt, yellow tie and a red rose. He has  
>black hair in a long ponytail, blue eyes and was wearing platinum  
>crescent shaped earrings. 

Joel: That's an... interesting look, Mamoru.

Tom: Garth Brooks tries to re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-reinvent himself.

 

>Another was in a yellow suit with a gray shirt and a blue tie. He  
>had a white rose was in his lapel, also he had brown hair in a  
>long ponytail like the first and violet eyes. 

Crow: Are you sure we're looking at the Three Lights, or did they  
just find a niche as the Japanese "Banana Splits"?

 

>The last one was very cute, he was dressed in a gray suit with a  
>blue shirt and a red tie. He had platinum blond hair in a long  
>ponytail like the others and light green eyes.

Tom: The Nermal of the group.

Crow: He sounds more like a random ganguro from Kyoto.

 

>"Well, I'm ready for this concert," he said to the others, as they  
>nodded. Quiet as it was, they loved the roar of the crowd and the  
>girls screaming their names.  
>  
>"Let's give them a show, they'll never forget," said the black  
>haired one.

Joel: And now Ladies and Gentlemen... A Flock of Bishounen!

 

>Scene: Saotome manor.  
>  
>Ranma was dressed in a sleeveless, silk shirt, black slacks and  
>black hiking boots. His hair was tied up into a ponytail, which  
>went down past his shoulders. The martial artist then slipped on  
>one of his golden bracers and as he was about to slip on the left  
>one, when he saw something that wasn't there before.

Crow: For you see, Ranma had no clue when he'd stop growing  
testicles all over his body...

Tom: [Ranma] Well at least I'll get a choice role in 'Deuce  
Bigelow 3: You Only Have Yourselves To Blame'.

 

>A tattooed forearm band almost to the middle of it. It was the  
>Queen of all suits, `how did I get this?' the martial artist  
>thought.

Crow: That quickie marriage to George Zimmer may have been the  
culprit. I guarantee it.

 

>Just then there was a knock on his bedroom door. "Ranma, Usagi  
>and the others are here," Nodoka said. Walking out of his room,  
>he then went down to see them.

Tom: [Ranma] Mother dear, why are you announcing them? Where  
did the butler go? And the chambermaid, and the alternate butler,  
and the moronic itinerant robot you bought on a drunken eBay binge?

Crow: [Bender] Bite my shiny metal ass.

 

>The girls were dressed nicely, but there was one extra it was  
>Setsuna. "I didn't know you liked this kind of music," he joked  
>with a smirk on his face.

Joel: [Setsuna] Actually, I just want to smoke pot and get pawed.

 

>"Well I do a little," the Senshi of Pluto said with a blush on her  
>face. They laughed and got into the car to ride down to the concert.

Joel: [Ranma] You don't mind splitting the fare, right?

 

>Scene: Inside of the car.  
>  
>"Ranma, do it please?" begged Usagi. Setsuna was a little confused.  
>  
>"Do what?" she queried. 

Crow: [Usagi] You be Charlie Sheen and I'll be Kristy Swanson.

Tom: [Ranma] OK, I'll dial up Heidi Fleiss while you go swishing  
down the ice with celebrities. Don't wait up!

 

>Then she was told Ranma wrote a song about the Three Lights and  
>that he was kidding about them. "Oh, sing it Ranma," Sestuna  
>requested softly with a smile.  
>  
>He sighed and smiled, "Alright."

Crow: [Ranma] Well, you know, this was originally written for  
the Wiggles... until those pommy bastards didn't see the neat crayon  
drawing I sent them. ROT IN HELL, AUSTRALIAN GITS!!

 

>Get up on your feet Put your hands together.  
>Sing along with Three count we'll party up forever.  
>We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. Sailor Moon is kinda cute, we  
>watch TRL on Asian MTV everybody Three count One, Two,  
>Three! One...two...threeeeee!!!

Crow: The tender love theme from 'One Night in Chyna'.

Tom: [Serenity] Oh God, I didn't edit his settings  
right... waaaaaaay too much idiot in him still.

 

>Put your hands together. Get up on your feet Sing along with Three  
>count.

Tom: [Ranma] Oh shoot, I didn't realize you were all still in the  
car and you'd hit your heads, that was never my intention and I feel  
badly and I hope that I didn't hurt you even by insinuating for you  
to get up and...

 

>They laughed and enjoyed the ride to the concert. Everyone was  
>having a good time and Ranma and the girls were in the front row.  
>  
>Search for your love...  
>Search for your love, search for your love...

Joel: [Kirk] SPOCKKKKKKKK!!!

Tom: Settle for your wife.

Crow: Settle for your internet.

 

>You have always been shining so brightly  
>Your smiling face is just like a tiny star  
>I have been treasuring it

Tom: (singing) Even though it burned out many years ago...

Crow: Please make sure you are reading at roughly 148 beats per  
minute. Thankyew.

 

>(Eternal starlight)  
>On that day I could not come and protect you  
>I just held my tears of regret inside  
>I am still feeling the pain (I won't forget you, sweetheart)

Tom: [Ranma] I would've saved ya but who am I to deny the  
world of wonderful me? That's just plain selfish of you!

 

>Search for your love, the crystals of the heavens  
>Search for your love, please don't start to cry  
>Search for your love, I really  
>Want to hold you close to me now

Crow: Is this Ranma "Love the One You're With" Saotome espousing  
the "searching" method?

Joel: This isn't Ranma singing... this is the Three Stars concert.

Tom: Wha...what? You can't be serious! Where did the first goofy  
song end and the next goofy song begin?

Crow: Stupid story! Be more sensical and go get some freaking  
narrative continuity!

 

>Your strong scent, I'm always (searching for it)  
>Can you hear my voice calling out? (I love you so)  
>Where are you now? (Moonlight Princess)  
>My lovely princess

Joel: (singing) Once I find it (your strong scent) / I'll get  
you some Arrid (and rub it in good.)

 

>Answer me, answer for me  
>Right away, answer for me  
>Answer me, answer for me  
>So gently, answer for me

Crow: Who penned these lines, a rabid Alex Trebek?

Tom: The story is not so much searching for a girlfriend as  
requesting a receptionist.

 

>Running through the distant night sky  
>Now I make a wish on a shooting star  
>Whispering I want to be with you (Please tell this to her,  
>starlight)

Tom: I've never seen a song with such a sustained chorus. It must  
take about twenty-three hours to sing all the way through.

Joel: Hey author, you'd better be careful... L. Ron Hubbard's  
taking notes for a new dogma.

 

>As time passes by, we become adults  
>I have finally realized that  
>The broken pieces are not enough (Please stay by my side,  
>sweetheart)

Crow: Why, so you can whine your ass off to her about a  
considerably inflated one night stand that went bad?

Tom: The Three Lights misunderstood the question... when asked  
"how many verses", they somehow answered "free".

 

>Search for your love, on the silver ocean  
>Search for your love, the ship floats adrift  
>Search for your love, in this madness  
>It will be swept out to you

Crow: (singing) And towed at your own personal expense.

Joel: This isn't so much a coda as it is an aria.

 

>Your strong scent, I'm always (searching for it)  
>Can you hear my voice calling out? (I love you so)  
>Where are you now? (Moonlight Princess)  
>My lovely princess

Joel: She lived happily ever after... with the dragon.

 

>Answer me, answer for me  
>Right away, answer for me  
>Answer me, answer for me  
>So gently, answer for me  
>  
>Answer me, answer for me  
>Right away, answer for me  
>Answer me, answer for me  
>So gently, answer for me

All: (singing) Believe it or not, George isn't at home, please  
leave a message at the beep...

 

>The black haired light saw Usagi as they sung their trademark song.  
>He saw her sitting with a young man with black hair and a great  
>body. Smiling, he was enjoying their music.

Joel: [Ranma] My shake is blue, yet it tastes like... nothing...  
yay, this music is GREAT! Zzzzzz...

 

>Ranma bent over to whisper something in Usagi's ear. "Those the  
>guys you were telling me about?" he whispered and she nodded. 

Crow: [Ranma] And I have to do what to their WHAT?!?

Tom: [Usagi] Ranma, you knew that you'd have to be sticking  
your manly bits into more than a few sticky situations... we still  
have two guardian cats you keep ignoring too.

 

>He smiled, just then he felt that something was wrong. Ranma  
>looked up and saw a card yoma push the black haired singer  
>off of the stage. 

Crow: [card youma] Time for your bodysurfing lesson! Lesson 1:  
Make sure somebody catches you! Bwahahaha!!

 

>"SHIT!" Ranma exclaimed as he shot up, jumping over the guardrail  
>and making a diving catch. The martial artist slid with the pop star  
>in his arms and then rolled up, the singer looked up at him amazed  
>by his strength and speed. His heart was beating so fast as Ranma  
>held the singer against himself.

Joel: Ranma made sure to put his elbow in the singer's mouth for  
maximum muting.

 

>The martial artist looked up and saw the card yoma he cursed because  
>it was a spade yoma. He put the singer down and told him to get  
>everyone out of the area. 

Tom: [singer] Uh... and now our final performer of the evening, ladies  
and gentlemen! Fred Durst!

 

>Then he leapt on to the stage, somehow transforming into a black  
>trench coat, black shirt, kung-fu pants, black hiking boots, and  
>black gloves all inside a column of silver light. Completing the  
>ensemble was a black mask covering the upper portion of his  
>head. [1]

Joel: El Santo went Goth!? Say it ain't so!

Crow: I can only gape in wonderment... can the footnote actually  
be goofier than the fanfic?

 

>Then he started fighting off yomas that were attacking the other  
>two.

Tom: The crowd took the cue from the youmas and surged  
forward... there would be no way this band would leave with their  
lives intact.

 

>"Earthquake punch!" he said as he hit the stage with his fist. It  
>shook under the yomas and knocked them up in to the air. Ranma  
>made like he had a bow and started to fire arrows. "Ki arrows!" he  
>yelled as he fired quickly taking the yomas out.

Crow: [Card] Oh crap, he's got the power of plot contrivance!  
Every facecard for themselves, and declarer take the hindmost!

 

>Stepping back stage, the Three Lights started their own  
>transformations.  
>  
>"FIGHTER STAR POWER!"  
>  
>"MAKER STAR POWER!"  
>  
>"HEALER STAR POWER!  
>  
>"MAKE UP!" they said in unison. 

Tom: Tonight, on A Very Special 'Extreme Makeover'...

Joel: Wouldn't it be absolutely hilarious if they ended up as ZZTop?

 

>With the transformations complete, the Three Lights transformed  
>into the Sailor Starlights. Their tiara's were beaded, and featured  
>a five-pointed gold star resting on the forehead. All three  
>Starlights wore star earrings, one in each ear: a golden,  
>five-pointed star, which matched the stars on their foreheads.

Crow: Oh don't tell me, each Senshi had a star upon thars?

Joel: With three more Scouts out, they started to bout... With  
all the Scouts out and starting to bout the MSTers were left to  
scream and shout. And it was a shout about Scout out-bout.

 

>The breasts were covered with a black leather halter top. Around  
>the neck was a black sailor collar.

Tom: Starlight's costuming provided by Lash's Palace of Pain.  
Bruising your pride among other things since 1981.

 

>On the center of their chest was a centerpiece like the other  
>Senshi's but different, it was a star brooch with wings. The  
>midriff was exposed, but two beaded belts were twisted around  
>the waist, fastened by a five-pointed star on the stomach. 

Joel: I can't tell who spent more time on their craft... the  
songwriters, or the seamstresses.

Crow: Sheesh, by the time they finish describing the outfits,  
it'll be Sailor Moon 4200!

 

>Finishing up their costumes, were short leather hot pants instead  
>of a skirt, and then leather gloves and boots which extended  
>above their knees.

Tom: They haven't even sweated yet and I can already smell  
french fries.

Crow: [Ranma] Dammit, I came for bubblegum pop, not goth  
Rockettes!

 

>Upon stepping out to help in the battle, they were attacked by a  
>yoma that looked like a one-eyed Jack in a deck of cards.

Joel: He was rather easy though... as a refugee from a blackjack  
table, he just kept asking to get a hit.

 

>"Hello girls!" it said, catching them by surprise. Then the creature  
>hit them with beams and turned them into playing cards.

Crow: Three Lights... Three LOADS is more like it.

Tom: I'm so grateful to have learned something from this  
fanfic... "Transformation sequences exist to make pretty playing  
cards."

 

>\---------------  
>  
>Scene: with Ranma.  
>  
>Ranma and the Senshi where kicking ass and taking names. Then  
>someone came out

Tom: Barry Manilow! The crowd panicked! The cards cut out!  
The Scouts decided to explore the possibility of running for their  
freaking lives!

 

>it was the Jack yoma and he showed that he had the Starlights as  
>playing cards. Ranma was mad, "Alright who are you joker?" he  
>asked angrily.

Crow: [Card] I dance with the devil in the pale moonlight...  
especially when he plays 52-Card Pickup.

 

>That kind of pissed the yoma was mad, "How dare you consider me as  
>that clown?" he demanded, wondering what fried human tasted like. 

Joel: [Jack] Chicken? Ah man, everything tastes like chicken!  
Even chicken!

 

>"I am Jack's Knight," introducing himself, as he pulled out his  
>sword and begun to attack. "JACK'S SLICER!" crescents beams of  
>energy were thrown at Ranma and the rest of the remaining Senshi. 

Joel: He's possessed Speedy Cerviche!

Crow: [Jack's Knight] It's Party Time, YEAH!

 

>Everyone one of them missed however due to the Senshi and Ranma  
>dodging frantically.

Tom: [Mr. Miyagi] Best way to block is no be there. And have  
opponent that just stand there and let crap be beaten out of him.

 

>"ROARING LION'S BEAM!" screamed Ranma, as a huge blast of  
>magical energy flowed out of his hands. It hit Jack's Knight knocking  
>him back in to a drum kit, causing the drum set to fall on top of the  
>enraged yoma. 

Joel: There's a drum set? On stage? Talk about completely  
unnecessary...

 

>"Usagi, come with me! You too, Pluto! Everyone else buy us some  
>time!" Ranma ordered, leaving the others to deal with Jack's Knight.

Crow: Gee, Ranma, why not just freeze time by pulling some more  
ki out of your ass?

Tom: Two minutes later, Ranma returned to find Jack playing  
solitaire.

 

>\----------  
>  
>Scene: With Ranma, Pluto and Mercury.  
>  
>Getting away from the battle, Ranma lead both Pluto and Usagi into  
>the Lights dressing room. "Okay off with you panties, Usagi," he  
>ordered with a blush.

Joel: I think Ranma has the whole 'groupies' idea misunderstood.

Crow: [Ranma] Dammit Usagi, if you'd go commando like I  
suggested, we could gain an extra five to seven seconds easy!

 

>"WHAT?" Usagi screamed and blushed profusely. Therefore Pluto,  
>knowing that Usagi needed her power back, explained it to her that  
>Ranma was going to give her the power to transform back and also  
>give her a boost as well. However to do that he had to have sex  
>with her.

Tom: [Usagi] Couldn't he just give me a Nintendo?

Crow: Y'know, this sounds like the setup to one of those annoying  
and inappropriate Red Bull commercials.

 

>"Be lucky, I was his first," Pluto said with a deep crimson blush  
>on her face, "he is very good, although a bit inexperienced..."

Crow: [Pluto] Fortunately the bleeding's almost stopped.

Joel: [Usagi] But but but... according to those public service  
commercials, if I sleep with Ranma then I sleep with Pluto! Eww,  
I'm so confused!

 

>Gasping in shock, she took off her panties a bit slowly, but before  
>Ranma did anything, she had to ask him one thing. 

Tom: [Ranma] Herpes twice and the clap. Eyyyyy!

 

>"Would you love me?" Usagi asked, fearful that she would be  
>unloved. Even though her mother had said they would be bonded,  
>she still was afraid. Looking at her, Ranma raised an eyebrow in  
>questioning. "I don't know if I could have sex with anyone that  
>doesn't love me," Usagi said seriously.

Crow: [Ranma] I'll love you from now until the end of my orgasm!

 

>Ranma's look softened and he nodded his head. "I think I can love  
>you," the martial artist said and gave her a kiss. 

Tom: [Ranma] I'll give it serious consideration while I'm plowing  
Pluto.

 

>Then Ranma gently took Usagi to the floor and pulled her skirt off,  
>placing soft and gentle kisses on her lips.

Joel: [Ranma] Mind if I wear this while we do it? My girl side  
kinda warped me.

 

>It was far different from what he had done with Pluto. He wanted  
>to make Usagi feel loved and needed, not like some cheap two  
>cent whore.

Crow: Ho-baiting is cruise control for cool.

Tom: At least he had the decency to do Pluto in a men's bathroom  
where there was a modicum of privacy. Here, backstage, random  
roadies shout their encouragement.

 

>Usagi on the other hand was moaning softly from the kisses. She  
>then started to return the kisses as Ranma placed himself inside  
>her gently. As she got closer to climax, she was almost screaming  
>`more' and `deeper', as she was really enjoying him. 

Joel: While Ranma was frantically digging in his pockets for a  
couple of singles.

 

>"Please give it to me, onegai…" [2] Usagi begged softly and  
>lovingly into Ranma's ear.  
>  
>"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you Usagi," said Pluto after she bit  
>her ear.

Crow: [Pluto] After he called me a two cent whore, how could I  
NOT join in? Whee!

 

>"Doesn't she make the cutest little sounds Plu?" Ranma asked, Pluto  
>just nodded.  
>  
>"GIVE IT TO ME! PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME!" Usagi screamed as  
>she climaxed.  
>  
>"Do it Ranma. Give it to her," Pluto said softly. 

Joel: [Ranma] ZZZZZzzzzz, huh, wha? You two still here?

 

>Therefore after a couple of more thrusts Ranma came inside of her.  
>  
>After they finished, the both of them got up and ready to fight.  
>Usagi pulled up her panties and then put back on her skirt.

Tom: Truly the feel good lemon of the year.

Crow: [Ranma] See? SEE, Pluto!? Usagi remembered to pull up  
HER panties, that's why you're a slut! SLUT!

 

>"MOON ETERNAL POWER MAKEUP!!" she yelled out, and her  
>transformation took place. However it was different this time  
>around. Instead of just the bows wrapping around her body, she had  
>a silver column of energy surround her as well, which identified  
>her new powered up state. 

Joel: [Usagi, sobbing] And that was how you were born, Chibi-usa.  
Now don't you DARE believe boys ever again!

 

>She still looked the same, but there was an aura of power that  
>wasn't there before.

Tom: Which the local furniture was glad to sing and dance about,  
in high annoying voices.

Crow: I shudder to think of the 'Sailor Moon Says' for this episode.

 

>"Ok… let's go…" Eternal Moon said with a bright smile on her face.  
>  
>Walking out of the dressing room, they headed for the stage. On the  
>way, Ranma had seen a guitar and grabbed it.

Tom: Oh Lordy... Hey Ranma, you're not Slash or Flea or even the  
Edge.

Joel: [Mark Metcalf] ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!? WHAT DO  
YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!?

Crow: [Ranma] I wanna rock.

 

>\-------------  
>  
>Scene: with Jack's Knight  
>  
>Jack's Knight was having fun trying to take out the Senshi with card  
>minions. Spades were being tossed everywhere and exploding on  
>contact with whatever they hit. He started to laugh manically, "RUN  
>SAILOR FAILURES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Crow: [Jack] This district is for adults only! I'm afraid I'll  
have to CARD you! Mwahahahahahaha!!!

Joel: [Ranma] Hit the road, Jack! I just double downed with  
these girls and upped their ante!

 

>As he was about to attack again, he heard a voice coming from  
>behind him.

Tom: [PA system] Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone  
shit again.

 

>"That's quite enough!" the voice said. This caused everyone present  
>to look over in the direction it came from. What they saw was  
>Pluto, Ranma and… "ETERNAL SAILOR MOON!" said the Senshi in  
>relief, knowing that their `leader' was back. 

Tom: Meanwhile, Ranma staggered out of the back like a drunk  
baboon, barely caring where he could get forty or so winks.

 

>"Now it's time for round two..." Ranma stated as he cracked his  
>knuckles. Energy started to gather around his fists as he prepared  
>to attack. The energy, silver in color, started to flow around his  
>arms and fists. 

Crow: Oh, come on... the 3WA would have defeated this moron by  
now, rearranged the surrounding city block, AND found a way to make  
water spout from like three different spots.

 

>"ROARING LION'S BEAM!" Ranma yelled said as Moon performed her  
>attack also, "SILVER MOON HEART BEAM!"

Joel: [Ranma] Okay, guys, that stunned him! I have another attack  
now and I need an adverb, an action verb, and an expletive.

Crow: [Venus] How about angrily, tearing, and hell?

Joel: [Ranma] ANGRILY TEARING UPPERCUT! Take that, you  
piece of hell! Umm... Venus... no more Mad Libs for you.

 

>As their attacks left their hands, they then combined into one  
>massive beam of energy and slammed in to Jack's Knight. At the  
>moment the attack hit Jack's Knight, a black curtain dropped down,  
>covering them.

Crow: Suddenly, thousands of stagehands changed the scenery to  
clouds and angels. The curtain rose, and Act V: The Death of Jack  
commenced.

Tom: [Ranma] Forsooth, for I bite my thumb with much vim against  
thee, Jack!

Crow: [Jack] Lo, but I am tired. Have you a Sailor Senshi to spare  
for me to couple with?

 

>It was like a concert, it was the Senshi Realm. Ranma's voice could  
>be heard. "One, Two… One two three four!" he said as the curtains  
>opened. There on a stage was a full band with two huge speakers  
>behind him. 

Joel: [Sailor Jupiter] You're going to try to sing "Wind Beneath  
Your Wings?" Are you nuts?

Crow: [Ranma] I can get to super-high falsetto... I've got more nuts  
to kick. Kick 'em, won't you?

 

>Jack's Knight was in the middle of them, standing there dumbfounded.  
>Taking this chance to their advantage, the Senshi started to play  
>`Step up' by Drowning Poolâ"¢. One, Two, Three - Go!

Tom: [Jack's Knight] Oh, come on! This is completely unfair! I  
can't possibly keep my sanity listening to this! Can't we just Dance  
Dance Revolution to the death?

 

>Broken,  
>Yeah, you've been living on the edge of a broken dream.  
>Nothing,  
>Yeah, that's the only thing you'll ever take away from me.

Crow: Another multi-million dollar singer cries in their sparkling  
champagne.

Joel: Y'know, if I wanted a Josie and the Pussycats fanfic, I'd  
just go buy an Archie comic.

 

>I'm never gonna stop,  
>I'm never gonna drop,  
>Ain't no different than it was before.  
>  
>So take some good advice,  
>You better stop and think twice,  
>Before you take your first step,  
>Out that door.

Crow: You hear that, Matt 'Guitar' Murphy?

 

>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down).  
>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down.

Tom: Richard Simmons' new step-aerobics was much higher impact  
than anyone first thought.

 

>You had your chance to walk away.  
>Live to see another day.

Crow: Thirty-three episodes had yet to play, now your bloody  
corpse has no say.

 

>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down).  
>You're gonna get knocked down...  
>  
>Aaaaah...

Joel: There's a reason this band is known as the Cabbage  
Heads... tomatoes only stain, they don't do permanent  
damage.

 

>Suffering,  
>Yeah, that's the only thing here that's left for you.  
>Nothing,  
>Yeah, that's the only thing you're ever gonna -- do.

Tom: Especially if poor Jack's Knight was tied to a chair. Of  
course, if he isn't, all he has to do is just leave the concert  
hall...

 

>I'm never gonna stop,  
>I'm never gonna drop,  
>Ain't no different than it was before.  
>  
>So take some good advice,  
>You better stop and think twice,  
>Before you take your first step,  
>Out that door.

Joel: [Ranma] List! I almost forgot the shopping list!

Tom: The story is giving us a clear warning. When Ranma rhymes,  
people DIE.

 

>So if you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down).  
>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down.  
>  
>You had your chance to walk away.  
>Live to see another day.

Crow: But spotting the trains wasn't enough, you just had to  
play tag with them too!?

 

>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down).  
>You're gonna get knocked down...  
>  
>You're gonna get knocked down...

Joel: [Ranma] M-Man, I never knew Don Flamenco could be so  
tough!

 

>And now you've crossed that line...  
>You must be out your mind.

Tom: And now you've attempted to rhyme... and I won't repeat the  
second lyric.

 

>Go.

Crow: Jail. Directly.

 

>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down).  
>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down.

Tom: [Homer Simpson] Kids, you tried your best and you failed  
miserably. The lesson is, never try.

 

>You had your chance to walk away.  
>Live to see another day.

Crow: [Ranma] HELLO!? I'm letting you getting away! How long  
do I have to do this shit before you catch the HINT!?

 

>If you wanna step up (step up),  
>You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down).  
>You're gonna get knocked down...

Crow: Clearly we have turned the crank to Frank and yanked said  
crank completely off. Shouldn't we be getting our reward yet?

Tom: [Gesture Professor] He's getting knocked down... down...

 

>You're gonna get knocked down (step up).  
>You're gonna get knocked down...  
>You're gonna get knocked down (step up).

Joel: Remind me never to have Ranma hold my ladder while I paint  
the ceiling.

 

>You're gonna get knocked... down!

Tom: [Ranma] Life is pointless! Slap your waitresses! GOOD  
NIGHT!

Crow: [Jack's Knight] Do you take requests? Like bending over so  
I can have a clear kick to your butt?

Joel: Truly, Ranma and the Ranmettes are the wedding band that all  
other wedding bands fear to be.

 

>Jack's Knight, during all of this, was being tossed in between to  
>speakers.

Tom: [Jack's Knight] All right! I'm going deaf! Sweet blissful  
silence at last!

 

>Finally after a lot of punishment, the evil card came out of his  
>body and Ranma leapt up, guitar and all, and destroyed it. 

All: [Ranma] El-KaBONNNNNG!

 

>Doing this turned Jack's Knight in to Moon dust. Just then something  
>was burning on his right middle finger and his left forearm. He  
>looked at his right hand and saw a ring on his middle finger. It was  
>platinum with a diamond in it.

Joel: Now all he has to do is find the rest of the Planeteers, and  
I bet we could get some better music at least.

 

>Ranma, upon seeing this, was stunned, "What the…?" he questioned  
>in surprise, as he looked at the ring. Still staring at the ring, a  
>note appeared in his hand in a puff of smoke.

Crow: Thy haveth mail!

Tom: [Ranma] Damn, the RIAA's fast. It's not a subpoena about  
illegal downloads... but a cease-and-desist letter from ever  
touching a guitar again.

 

>To: The man in the mask.

Crow: Wearing a giant soup tin doesn't make you invincible.

Tom: (note) Psst... you may want to check on your E string. And  
your A string. And your D, G, B, and high E string. Someone  
mistakenly left them attached to your guitar.

 

>I thank you for freeing me from that evil man; I am forever in your  
>debt. As payment take my ring, it will not only help you get into  
>security locked doors but if you press the diamond it will activate  
>the laser eye. 

Joel: Warning: Do not activate in vicinity of remaining eye.

Crow: Hey, fic... that was really redundant. Any door that Ranma  
could ever want to get in, all he has to do is knock and say "Senshi  
Escort Service! Jupiter is hot and ready for you!" and he's in.

 

>A.K.A. `One eyed Jack'. Once again, thank you for freeing me.  
>Sincerely: Jack's Knight.

Tom: Oh, if only we could see a few ring wraiths right about now...

 

>`I'll use it with honor,' Ranma thought, meanwhile the others were  
>looking at their princess in awe. "Wow, you look awesome!" Venus  
>gushed. Moon's outfit was the same from before she lost the  
>Ginzuisho, however the person in it was different. Sailor Moon  
>sprouted about a foot gained some muscle tone and her bust size  
>was a little bigger. [3] 

Crow: [documentary film V.O.] Each Senshi is like a camel. They  
store their power in their chest humps. When they get small or  
saggy, Ranma will administer more power. Watch out for the  
spitting, Ranma!

 

>Looking over at Ranma, after complimenting Sailor Moon, they saw  
>Ranma was about to use the ring to free the Starlight's from their  
>card prisons.

Joel: Ranma's a rebel! He doesn't truck by your musical rules and  
cares less about stupid continuity!

 

>Concentrating a little bit, Ranma focused on the Starlight's and  
>released them from their prison. Once they were freed, Ranma  
>went over and stuck his hand out and helped them up. 

Crow: Then he knocked them down, heh heh... I am so ashamed.

Tom: [Random Starlight] We heard the... performance back there.  
Mind keeping the music to the professionals?

 

>"Are you alright?" the masked martial artist asked concernedly.  
>"Yes," said one of them she had long black hair and blue eyes. The  
>Starlight was staring at Ranma's own blue eyes and tried to figure  
>out who this new person was. "Who are you?" asked the platinum  
>blond. "I'm uh," said Ranma thinking of a good name. 

Crow: Max Power?

Tom: Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute?

Joel: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy?

 

>"I'm…a friend..." he finished lamely as he took off as fast as  
>could, invoking one of the Umi-sen-ken techniques. This left the  
>Starlight's trying to figure out where he went but couldn't find  
>him.

Crow: [Ranma] Eww, men pretending to be women, I HATE that!

 

>\----------------  
>  
>Scene: the side of stage.

Joel: Thousands of dead insect, rodent, and bird carcasses attested  
to the 'effectiveness' of Ranma's singing.

Tom: [Usagi] Dammit! My clothes don't fit anymore! I look like  
I'm trying to smuggle two sandbags out of the door! Won't they just  
stop bouncing around and just stay STILL?!

 

>However, after making his escape, Ranma fell to his knees.

Crow: Usagi's demand of "oral after vaginal" left him slightly  
nauseous.

 

>The martial artist was feeling drained and couldn't understand why.  
>It was like someone was trying to tell him to sleep. 

Joel: What? Sex makes males sleepy? Go on!

 

>This didn't settle well with him, as it seemed his power started to  
>leave him and caused him to transform back into the clothing he  
>had worn to the concert. 

Crow: Wait, let me remember... slacks and a muscle shirt, right?

Tom: [Ranma] Hey, I just washed these boxers so why do they  
suddenly feel so... comfortable?

 

>Luckily the audience had left earlier during the battle, thus not  
>seeing him transform back into civilian clothing. Thus, Ranma just  
>fell forward as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

Joel: Shouldn't he have a Nestea in his hand first?

Crow: And thus ends the first quarter of play.

 

>Ranma had forgotten one important piece of information.

Tom: When in doubt, keep breathing.

 

>He had been told he would need to practice with the power and gain  
>control over it. Ranma had been using the power with wanton abandon  
>in his fights and now it was taking its toll on his body. Therefore,  
>he passed out and hit the ground face first with a loud `THUMP!'

Crow: Tsk tsk, those martial artists, no stamina at all.

 

>\-------------  
>  
>Scene: Front of the Stage

Crow: Ah, the orchestra pit, where the real story begins!

Joel: Leonard Bernstein was having a tough time keeping up with  
all the tempo changes.

 

>The Starlight's still looking around, were approached by the other  
>Senshi. Greeting long time friends, Sailor Moon and the Inner Senshi  
>gave the Starlight's a warm welcome.

Tom: Prelude to an Evening of Sleepovers, Brad Pitt, and Makeovers.

 

>"Hey long time no see!" Moon said happily to Seiya with a soft  
>smile. Then she proceeded to greet the other two Starlight's.  
>  
>"What brings you back to earth?" Venus asked Yaten, smiling a  
>genuine friendly smile.

Joel: [Yaten] Turns out my dreams only got me as far as Trenton.

 

>"Oh we missed you guys, that and we kind of felt a new evil presence  
>here on earth. Something stronger than Chaos and Galaxia… We thought  
>you could use some help," Taiki said.  
>  
>It was then that Pluto heard the `THUMP!' and blinked a bit. Heading  
>off towards the sound, she let the other Senshi take care of the  
>Starlight's for the moment.

Crow: [Pluto] I'm not sure, but I think another one just bit  
the dust.

 

>\----------  
>  
>Scene: Side of the Stage

Joel: [Sailor Mercury] We gotta hurry it up, guys, the fourth  
graders are getting antsy.

 

>Pluto walked around looking for the sound of the noise from earlier.  
>It was then that she tripped over Ranma's unconscious form. Gasping  
>loudly, she tried to wake him up, but failed miserably.

Tom: So Pluto was resigned to kicking him over and over where it  
counts, hoping to spare the rest of the Senshi the indignity of  
"powering up".

 

>Ranma for his part looked a bit pale and his skin felt clammy.  
>Almost as if he had a fever of some sorts, although he didn't seem  
>to have one. Therefore, being concerned with their new leader, Pluto  
>went to ask for some help.

Crow: [Pluto] Anybody got Kevorkian's number?

 

>\-----------  
>  
>Scene: Front of Stage

Joel: All the fanfic's a stage.

Tom: And Ranma's the playah.

 

>Walking over to Moon, who had at this point gone to look for Ranma,  
>was stopped by Pluto. "Come with me… Ranma is unconscious…" she  
>said in a worried tone of voice. Relaying to Moon that they needed  
>to attend to him immediately.

Tom: [Pluto] Maybe if I get my staff and ram it up his...

Crow: [Usagi] Use my wand, the end is curved.

 

>Moon, walking off with Pluto, gave the others a cursory glance and  
>then hastened her pace towards where Ranma was unconscious.

Joel: Geez, are these people that dense? Sam Beckett just jumped  
out and the program malfunctioned...

 

>\--------  
>  
>Scene: Side of Stage

Tom: [Peter Griffin] Check out THIS side boob.

 

>Pluto hurried Moon along towards where Ranma was. Once there she  
>showed Moon how bad of shape Ranma was currently in. Frowning, a  
>tear slipped down the side of her cheek as she knelt by him. Even in  
>such a short time, she had started to fall in love with Ranma.

Crow: [Usagi] Sorry, moron, I'd perform a healing but my crystal is  
still in your balls.

 

>"Hold on… I will help him…" she said softly, before raising the  
>locket off of her chest and started the healing spell. 

Tom: I'm not sure it's been approved for such an off-label purpose.

Joel: [Usagi, singing] Mmm Mmm good, Mmm Mmm good, that's  
what Campbell's soup is...

 

>"Moon Healing Exhalation…" she whispered softly as the healing magic  
>took effect. Hoping it would revive Ranma from unconsciousness.

Crow: Or at least give her another ride on the Pink Stallion.

Tom: Shouldn't that be "Moon Healing Ejaculation"?

 

>It was working, slowly but surely his skin color returned to its  
>normal sheen, and his breathing evened out. After the spell was  
>completed, Moon bent down and kissed Ranma on the lips softly.  
>This gently woke him up to a smiling Sailor Moon.

Joel: [Ranma] Uh, could you get your butt outta my face?

Tom: This is like Regarding Henry, but without any regard to the  
audience.

 

>"Morning sleepy head, nice place to fall asleep…" she joked,  
>giggling at his expense. Ranma just groaned and slowly sat up,  
>idly wondering how he had gotten onto the floor.

Joel: [Ranma] And where'd all this vomit and blood come from?

Crow: [Ranma] Oh shit, gravity still works... *THUMP*!

 

>"Ugh… my head… Who hit me with the damned mallet?" he joked a  
>bit, even though he had a small headache from the severe power  
>drain and the falling face first into the floor earlier.

Joel: [Ranma] Hey guys, I finally found where David Copperfield  
magicked that disappearing elephant to! I warn you though, if you  
move me off the hole it'll start smelling up here.

 

>"Don't know, but it would be bad if someone found you here like  
>this. I will walk out with you…" she said softly, before  
>de-transforming back into her own street clothing.  
>  
>Pluto had just left the two lovebirds be, as she herself went back  
>out to talk to the others.

Crow: [Pluto] They have a bright healthy future ahead of them.

 

>\----------  
>  
>Scene: Front of the Stage  
>  
>Walking towards the entire group, Pluto smiled at them and nodded  
>to the Senshi, motioning them off to the side for a moment.  
>  
>Scene: Side of the Stage

Tom: [Pluto] I'd suggest against moshing, guys. If you jump, all  
you'll land on is one of the two cameras in here.

 

>"I don't suppose they know of Ranma yet do they?" Pluto asked  
>Mercury. The Senshi in question just shook her head and smiled  
>slightly.  
>  
>"No they don't…" she said trailing off, before getting what Pluto  
>meant. They would have to de-transform to keep the Sailor  
>Starlight's identities a secret.

Crow: That's okay, we already know. It's Penry, the  
mild-mannered janitor.

 

>"I see you understand. Tell the Lights we have to return to  
>civilian garb now…" she ordered, before walking off and  
>de-transforming herself.  
>  
>Mercury, walking over to the Lights, told them to de-transform as  
>there would be non-combatants around. Thus they might question as  
>to why the Senshi were still around, that and it would protect their  
>identities.

Joel: That's fine, guys... I promise that every last one of those  
non-working prop guitars won't tell a soul.

 

>\-----------  
>  
>Usagi helped Ranma to his feet after a bit of resting. Gently, she  
>guided him out to the front of the stage where everyone else was. 

Tom: Venus attempted a slow clap but nothing doing.

Crow: [Usagi] Ranma, future harem. Future harem, our enforced yet  
clueless leader.

Joel: [Rei] Don't worry, we've already handled "enforced yet  
clueless leader".

 

>Walking out hand-in-hand with Usagi, they made their way back to  
>his seat. However before they could sit down the lead singer of the  
>Three Lights said something. "I heard, that someone made a song  
>for us would you mind coming up and singing it with us?" Seiya  
>Requested.

Crow: Hey guys... right now you're at Hanson-level annoyance, but  
if you even mouth one word you'll be the Japanese Bee-Gees. AFTER  
disco died.

 

>Ranma blinked, then blushed as he looked at Usagi. She was smirking  
>and making a shooing motion with her hands, all the while giggling,  
>knowing full well the others had probably informed the Lights about  
>his impromptu song.

Tom: See what all those Idol shows led to? Who needs a president  
when we can vote on talent like THIS!

 

>Sighing softly, he went up on the stage and slipped on a headset.

Crow: [Ranma] Ahh... my adoring public... will they never let me  
rest?

 

>"Ready?" Ranma asked  
>  
>Three-Lights[4]  
>  
>Get up on your feet Put your hands together.  
>Sing along with the Three lights we'll party up forever.

Joel: (singing) Or at least until we get a contract to appear on  
The Surreal Life!

Crow: [Pluto] YouTube's gonna piss themselves watching this.

 

>We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. Sailor Moon is kinda cute, we  
>watch TRL on Asian MTV everybody Three count One, Two, Three!  
>One...two...threeeeee!!!  
>Put your hands together. Get up on your feet Sing along with the  
>Three lights.

Tom: Sesame Street's answer to a generation weaned on Naruto.

Joel: For the love of GOD, doesn't ANYBODY have any weed to  
make this tolerable!?

 

>They were really having fun and jamming, then the girls started to  
>scream when Ranma got on his knee and sang tenderly:

Crow: This is going to end with Ranma singing about Macy's  
Semi-Annual Lincoln's Day sale, isn't it?

 

>"We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. Sailor Moon is kinda cute..."  
>  
>Then they got in to it with loud voices: "we watch TRL on Asian  
>MTV everybody Three count One, Two, Three!  
>One...two...threeeeee!!!"

Joel: Count Von Count gives this fic One, Two, Three Thumbs Up!  
Ah! Ah! Ah!

 

>\-------------  
>  
>Scene: Three Lights dressing room.

Tom: The Lights were silent as they struggled to clean the numerous  
eggs, tomatoes and numerous body fluids of questionable origin off  
their costumes. 

Crow: You may be wondering, where's the extras? Check under  
the vanity... all 48,000 strong... holding their ears and thinking that  
the free donuts were DEFINITELY not worth it.

 

>There was a knock on the door and the platinum blond opened it up.  
>On the other side of the door he saw Ranma and the Senshi standing  
>there. "Hey guys," said Usagi as she went over and hugged them.  
>"Hey Odango-atama," Seiya said with affection in his voice. "I want  
>you to meet my new beau," said Usagi. "This is Ranma Saotome."

Tom: [Usagi] Oh heavens above, when he looks at me I get the vapors!

Crow: [Ranma as Val Kilmer] I have not yet begun to defile myself.

 

>"Hi, how ya doin'?" Ranma said with his hand out to shake theirs, a  
>bit embarrassed.  
>  
>"New beau?" Seiya questioned Usagi, before looking at Ranma and  
>smiling a bit. 

Joel: [Seiya] Yeah, you needed one... your hair was so lifeless  
and flat without it. Did you borrow one of Mina's?

 

>"I'm Seiya Kou," he introduced himself, while wondering why Ranma  
>reminded him of someone he knew.

Joel: Seiya, he isn't Chief *or* McCloud, so don't even start.

Crow: [Seiya] Hey, I remember you... you're William Hung, aren't  
you?

 

>Usagi just nodded and smiled softly, "Yes," she stated simply.  
>  
>"Oh… what happened to that Mamoru guy…?" queried Seiya as he stood  
>there, trying to figure out what this feeling of familiarity was.  
>  
>"I'm Taiki Kou," the brown haired bassist said, as he shook Ranma's  
>hand.

Tom: Bassist, as in he holds the bass guitar and pretends to strum  
it occasionally.

Joel: [Mamoru, whispering] I'm in disguise! Shh! Don't tell Usagi!

 

>"I broke up with him again… fortunately though I met Ranma!" she  
>said with a bright and cheery smile.  
>  
>"And I'm Yaten Kou," the platinum blond keyboardist said, as he  
>also shook Ranma's hand with his slim one.

Crow: [Ranma, peering around] Geez, where are *your* groupies?  
Even Alice Cooper gets better tail after a concert, and he's pretty  
much dead.

 

>"It's nice to meet you all." Ranma stated, sweat dropping at  
>Usagi's statement about being her new beau among other things.

Tom: [Usagi] He's also going to paint my kitchen, redecorate  
my living room and wallpaper the garage!

 

>Sitting down, they started to talk and catch up on old times. For  
>Ranma, this was a first for him, just sitting down and getting to  
>know people without them wanting to kill him.

Joel: Thank heaven they never pursued that interview-show concept  
with him on 60 Minutes.

Crow: Blunter than Geraldo Rivera, less glib than Jimmy the Greek  
and inable to leap tall cliches in a single bound! It's Super  
Insulto Ranma!

 

>About an hour later, the Lights asked if Ranma and the others wanted  
>to go with them to the after party. Usagi and the Inners as well as  
>Setsuna nodded enthusiastically. Ranma just nodded and groaned  
>internally.

Tom: After party? Where, in the police station being booked for  
mass vandalism?

Joel: Hey guys, make sure you do a stop on your whirlwind drinking  
binge at Bill Murray's hotel, really screw him up even more about  
Japan.

 

>He wasn't much of a party person, mainly because all the parties he  
>had ever been to, turned out into a brawl of some sort. Although  
>this party turned out different and he had a great time.

Crow: Ranma finally figured out the advantages of disguising... by  
wearing a lamp shade on his head all night.

Joel: Though he had to make up a new name... "John Oates" and  
"Daryl Hall" only sufficed for two of the three.

Tom: Oh nice, nice, fic, you spare us the details of a party but  
was sure to drag us along like a bloated corpse over the last  
excuse for a scene.

 

>\----------------  
>  
>Scene: Saotome Manor.

All: [Nodoka] REDRUM... REDRUM...

 

>Ranma came in with Usagi, taking off their shoes upon entering the  
>house,

Tom: Nodoka's ambition to build a lava pit in the living room came  
with express instructions that EVERYONE must cross it barefoot.

 

>Ranma leaned over and kissed Usagi on the lips and blushed  
>profusely. The martial artist was still trying to get used to  
>showing affection like this. Still it was nice that Usagi wouldn't  
>hit him and openly returned the affection as well. 

Crow: The moon princess was still trying to get used to being  
with someone her own age. Still, it was nice that Ranma wouldn't  
dress her like Strawberry Shortcake and engage in dirty berry talk.

 

>Upon entering the living room, he noticed that Elizabeth was awake,  
>that and was looking at Ranma with a bit of lust in her eyes. 

Joel: So THAT'S what happened to Elizabeth Berkley!

 

>"Is Usagi-san staying tonight?" she queried. Ranma just nodded and  
>told her to get Usagi some pajamas. 

Crow: [Ranma] Something light and uncomplicated. I hate complex  
lingerie.

Tom: So raping her and changing her DNA wasn't enough, now  
she's his live-in maid!

 

>Pouting softly, she went to get the clothing for the blond girl.  
>Really wanting to have Ranma all to herself tonight. Meanwhile  
>Usagi called her parents and told them that she was staying with  
>a friend and that she was alright. Wishing them good night, Usagi  
>went to take a bath.

Joel: [Usagi] It's just a little threesome, mom. Yes, I'll be  
home before midnight!

Tom: On her way in, she overheard Ranma muttering about his  
mother...

 

>\------------------  
>  
>Scene: the bath.

Crow: [Usagi] AHHH! There's a drowned woman in the bath!

Joel: [Ranma] Oh, that's just Glen Close, don't worry, she'll  
surface eventually.

 

>Ranma was in the bath relaxing and looking at his left forearm.  
>There was a new tattoo; it was the Jack of suits.

Tom: [Bruce Campbell] Hail to the King of Suede, baby.

 

>It was above the Queen of suits, he looked at them and softly  
>rubbed them. `What's with these tatts?' Ranma thought idly to  
>himself. 

Crow: [Ranma] Someone's been playing Solitaire on my arm, and I'm  
gonna find out who!

 

>However he was interrupted when Usagi came into the bath.

All: [Usagi] CANNONBALL!!

 

>She was in a demi bra and bikini style panties. Taking them off,  
>she then let her hair down and got in with him, "Uh hi..." he said  
>nervously, looking at her and gulping.

Crow: [Ranma] Umm... what is that?

Joel: [Usagi] An Everlast chastity belt. My father's stipulation  
for me spending the night.

Crow: [Ranma] Call the Locksmith!

 

>"I hope you don't mind me bathing with you?" Usagi questioned  
>softly. A slight blush crossed her features as she remembered what  
>she and Ranma had done earlier that day. He had taken her virginity  
>and made her feel so loved, she hoped he would do more of that  
>tonight. Ranma shook his head she smiled and snuggled against him.

Crow: [Ranma] You do know that I have to do like seven more of you  
guys, right?

Tom: [Usagi] Repressrepessrepressrepressrepress... no problem,  
Ranma! I know you really love me!

 

>After their bath, they got dressed in their bedclothes. Ranma in a  
>pair of kick boxing pants and Usagi in one of his T-shirts and a  
>pair of panties.

Joel: [Usagi] Hey, my overnight bag had two pairs of panties in  
here...

Crow: [Ranma] Sorry, old habits die hard. Got a tampon?

 

>Both of them went to bed and she snuggled against him lovingly,  
>before the two of them gently started kissing each other and made  
>love for a couple of hours that night.

Tom: It took so long because Usagi found out that the color  
changes depending on which ball you squeeze.

Crow: That's the weirdest Simon game I've ever seen.

 

>End for now.  
>  
>\----------------

Joel: Aww, man... can't we at least see the side of the stage one  
more time, for nostalgia's sake?

 

>A/N: [1] Ok Ranma needs a transformation to hide his identity.  
>Especially from the minions of the Dark Kingdom and also his  
>enemies from Nerima. They won't give up on him, and if they knew  
>who he was then they would use it against him. Oh and if anyone  
>wants to know about the mask Think Zorro. It goes over the hair  
>and ties in the back. Kind of like a bandana or something.

Tom: He should have gone the He-Man route... little mustard  
in the hair and a trip to the tanning salon for the 'Hulk Hogan'  
special.

Crow: Of course, the mask doesn't help if he's the only guy in a  
twenty-two million-person radius who has three balls.

 

>[2] Onegai is Japanese for please. Just a word that sounded better  
>than the actual English word.

Tom: [Author] Just think about it... here in English-speaking  
countries it's just a banal little word, but in Japan they can  
actually... own guys! Whoa!

 

>[3] Think Gina Diggers from the Gold Diggers Series.  
>  
>[4] Parody of Three-Count's ring music by 3-Count. `Duh'

Joel: Or think clam diggers and count backwards.

Tom: I'd comment on assuming the readers are wrestling fans but  
then I'd be a hypocrite. D'oh!

 

>The next morning Ranma was up and practicing his use of his new  
>powers.

Crow: Nodoka lay in a dazed and bloody heap on racquetball court #3  
as Ranma retired to the conservatory for a glass of water.

 

>He started to transform, "SHIRUBA KENPEI HENSHIN!" Just then his  
>entire body was covered in a silver beam and it slowly started to  
>rise and showed his boots, black leather slacks with a platinum belt  
>buckle and a golden crescent moon on it, a black 'Under Armor'  
>muscle shirt, black leather gauntlets, and the leather Zorro mask,  
>then he threw his arms up and the black trench coat slipped on him.

Joel: His belt buckle rivaled manhole covers for sheer size and  
ironically enough, style sense.

 

>He was complete and was ready to practice, he charged up and aimed  
>at a target. "SHIRUBA BLASTER!" 

Crow: The duck, the dog, the NES, and the twenty-inch Magnavox  
never knew what hit 'em.

 

>A huge silver beam left his hands and hit the target, destroying it.  
>Then he pulled out his weapon,

Tom: ... a big guitar. Soon everyone was in mortal agony, counting  
the very seconds toward their blissful destruction.

 

>he made a face at it. Be cause all his life he hadn't has to use a  
>weapon and now he does. 

Crow: [Ranma] It's already out of the box so no collective value  
anymore...

Tom: What weapon? All his transformation contained was an  
outfit. Unless the belt buckle doubles as a razor-edged Frisbee.

 

>It is of a very beautiful rapier it was gold, silver and platinum.

Tom: It's the only sword that depends on heavy metal toxicity as  
opposed to actual cutting to dispatch its victims.

 

>He took it and got ready to use it; he turned once and used a  
>chestnut punch weapon version attack. "SHIRUBA FURASSHU NO  
>HANDO!"

Crow: Yet the pickle jar still stood, inscrutable... unbreakable...  
and still extremely sealed.

 

>He attacked the training dummy and turned it to dust.

Joel: [Ranma] Wow, murder is awesome!

Tom: The training dummy got its revenge on Ranma's sinuses.

Joel: [Ranma] Curses, foiled again! Ha-CHOO!

 

>Just then he heard some behind him and quickly looked to see Usagi  
>clapping her hands. She was dressed in a light blue shirt, slacks  
>and slippers. "Your mother said I could wear these. Since you lost  
>your curse." She said her hair was down as well.

Crow: [Ranma] Don't! The clothes are cursed! Every girl who  
ever wore them had their femininity taken away by PLOT  
CONTRIVANCE!!

 

>He chuckled and nodded. "You can have them if you want." He  
>said as he put up his rapier and deformed. 

Joel: Soon, all that was left was a vaguely Ranma-flavored Jell-O  
in the center of the room.

Bots: (singing) There's always room for R-A-N-M-A!

 

>She went into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Good morning,  
>Usagi-chan."  
>  
>(Cue theme)

All: Lookit what's happened to mee--eee, I can't  
believe it my-self... suddenly I'm up on top-of-the-world, it  
should've been somebody ellllllse...

 

>Wild Senshi  
>  
>Chapter 3: School Daze

Crow: Ranma screams, the windows break, just your typical teenage  
angst dressed up in a muscle shirt and slacks.

 

>In Marik's base he was pissed, two of his powerful warriors failed  
>him. "KING'S KNIGHT! ACE KNIGHT! 10TH KNIGHT FRONT  
>AND CENTER!"

Tom: Great, more guard bots.

Joel: [Marik] I desire more cannon fodder! Operation Throwaway  
goes well.

Crow: Why doesn't he just call in Bobby Knight, arm him with  
chairs, and just sit back and enjoy?

 

>He screamed, just then three knights came out.A male and two  
>females, they were all dressed in armor. "Since your team mates  
>have failed you three will go out there and finish the job and  
>don't come back until you have that crystal!"

Joel: Well, you can't say Marik doesn't show confidence in his  
troops.

Crow: I'm rooting for them. If only to find out exactly how  
they'd obtain the crystal from Ranma. 

 

>"Yes my Pharaoh." They said and disappeared, the next morning.  
>Ranma's transfer had come in and he was accepted in Juubahn High.  
>So he was introduced to the school along with another student and  
>two new teachers. 

Tom: More cast members. It's a RPG in the making.

 

>The new student was standing next to Ranma and felt the energy from  
>the crystal coming from him.

Crow: [Ranma] Sorry, shouldn't have set my crotch on vibrate.

 

>"Students, I'd like to introduce to you our new students. Ranma  
>Saotome and Hitomi Kishi." Said the principal, they stood and  
>bowed. "Also these are the new gym coach Ouja Naito and our new  
>history teacher, Juu Hatsu." Hitomi was a very beautiful young  
>woman, she had long silver hair and blue eyes, and she was dressed  
>in the school uniform. Coach Naito was in a blue track-suit had  
>short black hair and brown eyes.

Joel: [Narrator] He taught them to respect the game... and to  
respect themselves... then he killed them.

Tom: You know, abuses like these could be avoided if the principal  
actually had to approve their lesson plans... "Kill Ranma" pasted  
over six periods can get a little bit conspicuous for thirty-five  
days straight.

Crow: Besides, exercising Ranma to death ain't gonna work. Try  
advanced calculus.

 

>Ms. Hatsu had black hair in a bun and hazel eyes and was dressed in  
>a blouse, mini skirt, stockings and high heel boots. [1] 

Tom: Your new teacher comes with a purse full of condoms,  
many books to lay on, a desk full of condoms, complimentary  
fetishwear... and more condoms.

 

>After school Ms. Hatsu had held Ranma and Usagi in her class as  
>they were waiting, the others were waiting on them to get out.

Crow: [Ms. Hatsu] Yeah, you heard me. Gimme all your money! These  
teaching wages suck.

Joel: And the hostage negotiations continued into the night.

 

>Just then they run in to Ms. Hatsu but she wasn't dressed the same  
>way she was earlier.

Tom: Ms. Hatsu has watched "Sister Act 2" a few too many times,  
and needs to find a different habit.

 

>This time her skin was a pale white, her hair was down, her eyes  
>were gold and glowing and she was dressed in a beautiful kimono  
>with all of the different suits on it. [2]

Crow: [Ranma] *GASP* She's not even Japanese! We must terminate  
with extreme prejudice!

 

>"Hello girls," she said with a sexy drawl. Just then she tossed out  
>a handful of cards and they came to life and attacked them. 

Tom: [Usagi] Careful! They're marked!

Joel: [Ranma] Wait, this one is from a lawyer... and this one a  
drain service... ooh, there's a salon, keep that one!

Crow: All this card attack footage and not ONE mention of 'Off  
with her head!'...

 

>The Sensei had to transform and started to fight them off.  
>Meanwhile Ranma and Usagi had felt what was going on.

Tom: Ranma's Spidey sense was tingling but he had dandruff and  
couldn't tell from the itching.

 

>"Go, I'll be right behind you." He said to her so she transformed  
>in Sailor Moon and took off. "Well, here we go! 

Crow: I've seen larger buildups on my hardwood floors.

Tom: [Ranma] Your discussions on the differences between  
parliamentarianism and republicanism were enlightening! Why did  
you have to go evil after only one day, Ms. Hatsu!?

 

>SHIRUBA KENPEI HENSHIN!" his entire body was covered in a silver  
>beam and it slowly started to rise and showed his boots, black  
>leather slacks with a platinum belt buckle and a golden crescent  
>moon on it, a black 'Under Armor' muscle shirt, black leather  
>gauntlets, and the leather Zorro mask, then he threw his arms up  
>and the black trench coat slipped on him.

Joel: [Ranma] I know kung-fu.

 

>Then he headed out to help fight, meanwhile Sailor Moon was fighting  
>up a storm and she pulled out a silver katana and started slashing  
>yomas left and right. 

Tom: Okay, Henny Youngman, enough with the "cutting the cards"  
bit... my sides are aching. But not as much as my head.

Crow: [Sailor Moon] Wow, this is way more fun than changing them  
into dust! Look at that gore fly! Whee!

 

>Ranma had come up behind Ms. Hatsu and grabbed her. "WHAT THE?  
>WHO ARE YOU?" She said.  
>  
>"The Silver Knight and now it's over 10th Knight!" He said and they  
>went at it. 

Crow: [Ranma as The Shadow] You'll become one of my victims,  
like dozens of others all around the Tokyo District!

 

>She pulled out her parasol and started to fight him.

Joel: [10th Knight] Mary Poppins! Give me strength!

Tom: [10th Knight] Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha!  
Thrust!

 

>He ducked and dodged her attacks then he called out his Silver  
>Rapier. He spun it around with one hand and prepared to fight her.

Crow: Ranma makes Errol Flynn look humble.

Tom: The problem is that he makes Darkwing Duck look competent.

 

>"Shall we?" He took an elaborate bow with his sword and they went  
>at it. Blades were hitting each other and sparks were flying. 

Joel: This was supposed to be the real ending of "Brokeback  
Mountain" but the wussy filmmakers couldn't muster the courage to  
show it.

 

>Then he disarmed her and pointed the tip of his sword at her  
>throat.

Crow: Yet Ranma was just disguising his true target, her bra strap.

 

>"I do believe that is check." He said, she got up, flipped away and  
>grabbed her umbrella. 

Tom: They're taking Battle Chess to a whole new level.

 

>Then they charged up and hit weapons. Then they disappeared, 10th  
>Knight was in the middle of a battle field. There was a large bed  
>with a canopy over it; behind her was Ranma in silver armor. 

Crow: What is he, Pat Benatar now?

Tom: So he has bedroom armor huh? Wonder if it comes in red satin?

Crow: If only Lorenna Bobbitt ended up as Ninth Knight, I'd feel  
much better about the plot.

 

>"Well, looks like I won." 

Joel: [Marik] Crap. I guess throwing untrained girls from my  
harem into battle wasn't such a hot idea. Summon the towel boys!

 

>He slowly walked over to her and she slowly back up. He started to  
>take off the armor and she bumped into the bed.

Crow: [Ranma] Just try Rape for 10 days and if it doesn't  
satisfy you, we'll give you a Rape, free of charge!

Tom: Not only do I fully support the victims, I'm about ready to  
throw a fund-raiser dinner for all the Knights to pay for counseling  
and some firearms.

Joel: Yeah with Ranma as the table centerpiece with an apple in  
his mouth.

 

>"You stay there!" She said nervously, she fell on to the bed. The  
>bottom part of the kimono opened up and revealed her thong panties.

Crow: (rolling his eyes) Then her panties lowered themselves while  
her hair scrunchie bound her wrists, right fanfic?

Joel: Don't do it 10th Knight! He's not sponge-worthy!

 

>They were also wet; he slowly stripped her of them and opened up  
>his slacks.

Tom: He's more Cybersex than Cybersix, eh?

Crow: [10th Knight] Foreplay, you moron! Foreplay! Even a casual  
mauling of my boobs would help!

 

>His cock was very large and long, her eyes widened as he slipped  
>inside of her. "No please don't," she said. He shoved into her and  
>started to pump in to her. 

Tom: Then Ranma screamed as he discovered 10th Knight had a  
second set of teeth in the last place he expected.

Crow: [10th Knight] This does nothing for me. Could we possibly  
try to locate a Dodge Dart and some beer? Lots and lots of beer?

 

>He drove in to her and she felt every inch of it. "Oh, yes, YES  
>MORE!" She started to turn back, after school Ranma and Usagi  
>started to leave and Ms. Hatsu had stopped him.

Crow: [Ranma] A... a subpoena? But why?

Joel: [Ms. Hatsu] I know, raping me is apparently, like,  
illegal or some junk! Gah!

 

>"You go on ahead; I'll meet you at the gate." She said.

Tom: Gate, mouth of Hell, same diff.

Crow: Of course, before Usagi could make it to the gate, she was  
accosted by a Mamoru who glued two beanbags to his crotch...

 

>"Yes Ms. Hatsu?" He said, she grabbed and kissed him  
>passionately. "And that was for?"  
>  
>"Thank you, Mr. Saotome." She said.

Crow: [Ms. Hatsu] All the girls at church would never believe I  
got a pimp before they did! Yes!!

 

>End for now.

Tom: So, let me get this straight... This was actually planned  
out by the dense Queen of the Moon that Ranma sleeps around so  
precipitously that Usagi will end up with like five STDs by her  
first year of high school?

Joel: Thank god Ranma's ex-fiancees got out while they could.

 

>Notes: 1. Think Ms. Spencer from Rumble Roses-ed.

Crow: No, for my own sanity I'd rather picture Bea Arthur.

Joel: Or Dame Edna, that'll learn Ranma.

 

>2\. Think Setsuka in Soul Calibur 3 -Ed again

Crow: And as the well of footnotes dries up and the tide of  
narration ebbs, we finally get a chance to Setsuka... I mean,  
Skedaddle! Oh, darn you, fanfic!

Tom: Ranma Saotome will be back in Chapter 4: The Day The  
Music Died... Again.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

THE HOLOCABANA

"Afternoon, everybody."

"JOEL! TOM SERVO! CROOOOW!" The barflies cheered one  
name after another in union as the bots took a seat in the nearest  
booth while Joel got the bartender's attention.

"Can I get three beers here, please?"

"And a bowl of pretzel flavored ramchips!" Crow yelled at Joel  
before turning his attention back to Tom. "So, as I was saying, if  
you were Marik, who would YOU send after the senshi next?"

"Hmm..." Tom considered the question carefully. "Well,  
considering Ranma's mother is about the only person he has any real  
respect for, I'd have 9th Knight or whoever possess Nodoka and pit  
her against Ranma. That way..." Tom paused and scooted over as  
Joel placed the beer and bowl of ramchips on the table and took a  
seat next to him. "That way he couldn't kill her or attempt to...  
*cough*... 'purge the evil' from her."

"Interesting... if I were Ranma... well, I'd turn myself into the  
authorities... but for the sake of argument, I'd probably debut  
some new power that lets me pass on my 'purging' abilities to one  
of my hare... er, senshi teammates. That way the problem is  
oh-so-conveniently sidestepped and we get hot lesbo action! Woo!"  
Crow cheered as he grabbed hold of his mug and took a sip. 

"Personally, I'd just give up." Joel said as he placed a straw in  
Tom's drink for him to sip. "I mean, Marik already has power and  
respect and stuff. Why not just be happy with that? Stay alive for  
once and snicker at all the other so-called world conquerors getting  
their butt kicked while you're sitting pretty, y'know?"

"Oh, please! What self-respecting villain would settle for any  
less? Did Skeletor spread terror throughout Eternia by sitting on  
his bony ass? Did Cobra Commander force the creation of G.I. Joe  
by selling his Rattlers on eBay? Did the Bogeyman scare the piss  
out of kids one fateful Saturday morning by staying in the closet?  
Hell no! And besides..." Tom reached for a pretzel. "...villains  
that try to settle for less usually end up steamrolled by world  
conquerors on their path to self-destruction anyway!"

"Besides, power is like Chinese food, it may satisfy for a  
little while, but by midnight, you're back to the fridge for  
leftovers and by 2am, you're ordering... *urp*... pizza," Crow  
added.

"And speaking of power, what about Sailor Moon? She lost  
her crystal, her command, she has to love and make love to a man  
who's having sex with all her friends, including her own mother!  
Not to mention all the girls Ranma will apparently be bringing home  
now that he's 'cured' them of being UN-human! What a setup!" Tom  
exclaimed.

"Yeah, and Ranma gets off easy..." Crow began.

"In more ways than one!" Tom interrupted. "He gets to say  
sayonara to his old life without a single hitch! Akane? Victim of  
raging roids and due to spontaneously combust any day now. Curse?  
Gone like a fart in the wind! Fiancees and friends? A sudden  
outbreak of mass laryngitis! Genma? A complete and total bastard  
that's OBVIOUSLY responsible for all of Ranma's woes and by god,  
if I were Nodoka, I'd have left his ass after the conception!" Tom  
finished as he gasped for breath.

"Whoa, easy there, Tom. You've blown off steam, now try  
relaxing for a while," Joel gently chided.

"Yeah, what's say we sing some kareoke? Hey, Magic Voice,  
serve us up a little 'Three Count', would ya?"

"NOOOOO!" Joel and Tom moaned in unison as Crow rushed  
up on a nearby stage and began wailing into a microphone. "Magic  
Voice, discontinue hologram of kareoke stage!" Joel quickly  
exclaimed. A moment later, the stage faded out of existence causing  
Crow to fall through and fall in a heap on the floor.

"Spoilsport." Crow pretended to pout as he got back up and  
returned to the booth. "Well, what do YOU want to do to relax  
then? Play darts? Shoot pool? Toss a little person?

"Uh, how 'bout we just drink some beer and relax?" Joel  
suggested.

"Borrr-ing! I'm going to write naughty stuff in the bathroom!"  
Crow exclaimed as he left the booth again.

"Wish I could do that," Tom muttered as he took a long draw  
of his beer.

* * * 

DEEP 13

Dr. Forrester sighed wistfully as he sat at the console, his  
chin resting on one hand. "Ah, Joel... I really thought I had you  
this time... oh well, another day, another hundred thousand fanfics  
to choose from..."

Upon hearing the clinking of bottles behind him, Dr. Forrester  
turned around to see Frank with two beers under one arm and a  
half-eaten bag of cheese popcorn in the other. "Hey Steve, ready  
for a twelve hour marathon of 'Laguna Beach'?" Frank inquired  
cheerfully as he held up a pair of carefully labeled VHS tapes in  
his hand.

"Geez Frank, not on camera!" A panicked Dr. Forrester  
hissed as he frantically stabbed the button.

 

...AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games 'The Medical  
Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon, our Let's Play of 'Les Manley:  
Search for the King', along with a few other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to thank  
each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me throughout the years. I  
treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great  
honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and  
tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you,  
thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to  
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)

I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C and  
suggested riffs for this MSTing are always appriciated and for  
making the MSTing process so much fun! :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema 3001' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' Pt. 1-3 (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
\- '12 Months and a Year' (Street Fighter)  
\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of my Hopes' Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've  
contributed to can be found in the various categories at:***

'A MSTing for All Seasons'  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

'The MSTing Mine'  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/

'Everything What Is Crap!'  
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

 

>Jack's Knight was in the middle of them, standing there dumbfounded.

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations  
are trademarks of and (c) 2006, 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights  
reserved.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....


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